January 25, 2014 Saturday, Brazil
Barbara’s Brail Journal, Post 7b
This morning I awakened about 5:30, feeling mild arthritis pain in knee, back pain, aching shoulder – the usual; used bathroom and returned to bed but there was a lot of tension in the body and I could not fall back to sleep. I began to plan to go through the line on Wednesday with very specific requests; knee ligament is healed but there is still painful arthritis. There is no cartilage left in the knee. And, shoulder bicep tendon comes out of its groove frequently, with much pain; the flap that should hold it in place is torn… Cataract… lumbar spine… stenosis… Just to ask for help. So I lay there envisioning each body area that is distorted and painful, and thinking of what help I wanted. But there was a lot of tension, not getting what I want or think I need…
Aaron asked me to bring awareness to the tension. He asked, “Is there pain anywhere in this moment?” No. “Give thanks for that.” I did, singing silently, “Give me love in my heart keep me praising; give me love in my heart I pray. Give me love in my heart, keep me praising; keep me praising till the end of day. Sing Hosanna.. etc, through many verses, Give me joy in my heart; give me thanks; give me faith;… Gradually I began to sense a brilliant light, as if in a distant room; it had been there all along, but I was too self-involved in fear and pain to notice. I felt myself approach it until I was inside of it, though still at the distant periphery. The intensity of Light opened all the remaining body tension, and brought a great sense of ease and well-being. I felt it permeate into every cell. Occasionally there was a direction to draw the light into this or that place, the knee, the shoulder, back, eyes…. See the ever-perfect right there with the distorted; give that ever-perfect equal or even more time and attention.
There was ever more light and ease. Then I was asked to hold the two water crystals and meditate with them for a time. I did so, and felt increasing balance. As the time passed, I was able to enter further and further into the light. It was a very conscious choice, but effortless. Finally I rested, not in the heart of that light that is so intense it feels it would burn you to nothing, but more at the edge, what felt just at the inner edge of comfortable, with no force. I rested there for some time feeling ease in these painful parts of the body, and also could feel Entities working in each painful place.
I’ve been in that space many times before. It is a great gift of love and healing. At times there has been fear that the experience would devour me, that nothing would remain; this time it felt welcome although still frightening, “enter and heal; release distortion; let love dissolve it…”
Eventually I fell asleep, into a realm of radiant light and huge space. Dream, I was moving to a new apartment, up on a top floor with a vast view and flooded with light. It was a 2 story building and it took some effort to get up to the top, through a ladder and small trapdoor. The construction was not yet complete. I wasn’t sure at first if I could climb up as I was holding a baby kitten in one arm. Once up, it was a beautiful, open space with many windows. The building was on a big lake; the ground floor had a beautiful patio on the lake. I could sail there. I had a grey kitten, a baby “Whisper” (my much beloved old cat of many years, adopted when she was just 3 days old(orphaned) I bottle fed her until weaned and she lived with me and Hal for 18 years), and a tricolor collie. I needed to hold the kitten to keep her safe. I was unsure how to carry her safely up the ladder. Someone held her while I climbed up; then I took her back. Needed to get food for her, to nourish her. She had the potential to develop into a full, strong and happy cat but needed to be taken care of now as she was an infant and still fragile; hold her safe. The collie was strong and happy. He was playful and secure and he wanted to be fed and loved.
Hal came in a boat, and also George and some other friends. Hal would get food for the animals. That was all I needed to be able to move in.
The dream had a transition quality; I could move into this new, lighter place but I needed to nurture my animals, to be attentive to their needs.
I gradually woke up, feeling a huge sense of ease and joy in body and mind. The intense radiance of the light stayed with me. I sensed that the Entities had been working with me during the meditation and the dream, and now I needed to consciously choose the light and find that ‘ever-healed’ in each moment, to let go of the somewhat negative, darker and fear-based attitudes, posing as equanimity but more ‘sour-grapes’ of , “it is not healing, body decaying.” Yes, body is 71, not getting younger, and there needs to be equanimity of the impermanence of the body but equanimity and resignation are not the same. With resignation there is no effort, no growth, no change. Let the body be the strongest it can be, and hold it with love. The animals represent the parts of the body. Kitten, a new, as yet undeveloped part but with potential for great loveliness and love.
I typed some of this after breakfast and then Daniel came and gave a Portuguese lesson for the group. Now I’m waiting my turn for a manicure and pedicure in the courtyard! .. and later, 5PM now, pretty nails, an hour of dharma and offering vipassana instructions, lunch, some typing on the class planning and reading of DL Skype with Hal, Skype with a friend facing life challenges, Cat, 10 minute nap and then to pool with a few people in my group, showing them the way. Delightful swim and some water Frisbee. Back and typing again, huge storm approaching. Dark thunderhead clouds rolling in. The sky is immense here and the clouds so beautiful. Meanwhile, outside my window, hummingbirds, undeterred by coming storm, are flitting from blossom to blossom on a red-flowered bush. And now the rain and I have closed my windows for the first time this 2 weeks. Tonight we’ll see a movie on Chico Xavier, who was John of God’s mentor. http://www.chicoxavierthemovie.com/; I’ll post this now.