October 28, 2014 Tuesday Late Morning, Geneva Retreat
Guided Meditation: Be the Light that You Seek
Aaron: Good morning– again, good morning. I am Aaron. The discussion (people have been discussing in small groups) opens a doorway, I would hope, leading you to the reflections that are most useful for you.
We’re not speaking directly so much about aging. You’re going to age. Whether you’re 25 or 85, you’re going to age. Aging is one piece of the path. The way you live your life in each moment, with the sore toe, the itchy rash or the sick parent or whatever it may be, however you relate to these catalysts is how you will relate to the process of aging.
Basically we could have done a very straightforward dharma retreat because the most important tool with conscious aging is the deep knowing it’s all arising out of conditions and impermanent. This is how the body is. And when I try to resist it, I suffer. When I, as you would say, go with the flow, then I suffer much less. But it’s not just about suffering or not suffering.
When you are contracted and suffering, trying to control your experience, it’s like having dark clouds over the sun. You extinguish that radiant light that you are, or make it inaccessible to you and to others. The more you are conscious with the intention to bring forth light and love, the spaciousness of the heart, joy, gratitude, to allow these to shine forth, the more you let that radiance come through. Then you are the elder. You are being the radiant light and helping the younger people to see, “I too can become that. I don’t have to get lost in darkness and fear.”
So you are willing to do this work, as with the bodhisattva vow; you are willing to do this work in order to help alleviate suffering in the world, all suffering, by being a model. This is an imperfect metaphor, but imagine a garden of spring bulbs; daffodils, tulips, and so forth. They peek their head through the earth, but there’s still snow on the ground. They shrink back into the earth, but there’s a bit of warm sunshine coming through. All the flowers look at each other and saying, “Not me, I’m not going first! It’s cold out there!” But one courageous and loving flower says, “Ah, but I feel the first hint of sunshine.” It begins to pull itself up out of the ground, waving in the sunshine. And the others that had shrunk back, thereby not giving their beauty and grace to the world, look at this one who has come up and say, “Hmm, if she can do it, maybe I can do it.” They also begin to emerge. Suddenly we have a vast garden of flowers.
This is the fruit of conscious aging. It’s the fruit of living in consciousness in any way, not just about aging. But the aging is one catalyst because it’s something you all will experience. No matter of what age, you all will experience it. There’s nobody here including the youngest of you who has not experienced some diminishment of the body in some way. How can we live with these changes in the body with joy? No longer can climb the tree or run down the path, but I can walk down the path and see the beauty. Can I rejoice in that rather than hold bitterness, “It’s not fair, I can’t run anymore.”? The one with joy is the flower that’s hiding under the earth. Be the flower that expresses out, that shines forth.
I want to come around to a short forgiveness meditation and then we’re going to go to lunch. I will cut this somewhat short. We’ll do it again sometime this week in a longer format. But I want you to reflect: what areas of judgment and holding are there still that remain for me? So this is not going to be so much forgiveness of others but forgiveness of the self. What is there that I need to forgive in myself? What areas of shame, of sadness, of confusion, what moment of anger? Can the heart open with compassion to this human who reacted perhaps in an unskillful way and did harm to another, never condoning that harm but opening the heart to oneself?
(tape paused, guided meditation begins)
My intention has always been to do no harm to myself or to others, and yet somehow I seem to blunder into saying the wrong thing that causes pain. Experiencing angry thoughts, and speaking that anger. Experiencing greed and grasping, and enacting that greed. I so deeply aspire to be a light in the world, to do good for others and never cause pain. And so judgment arises, thinking myself inadequate to the aspirations that I hold.
In this moment, my intention is to open my heart to myself. Holding myself right in front, as if looking in a mirror, speak to yourself. First ask forgiveness of yourself. “However I have harmed myself, in reactivity, in enactment of fear, in lack of mindfulness, in impetuous behavior, of that self I ask forgiveness.”
Speaking here to my deepest heart, speaking here to the human also, feel one part of yourself—the wise, loving part—able to offer forgiveness to this sometimes impulsive and reactive human. How would it feel to drop the many judgments you have held? Saying your name, “(Name), however you have harmed, I forgive you. I love you.”
Allow yourself to feel the possibility of that forgiveness, the spaciousness in it. And the next part of this, how does it feel to receive that forgiveness? Am I able to receive it? Is there a part of me that wants to stay immersed in judgment? What does judgment benefit? It keeps us separate. It can be a layer of armoring with the idea, the false idea, that it will prevent pain. But nothing is so painful as separation and alienation, especially from yourself.
Now feel the deepest part of you, the wise and loving elder. Speaking to this sometimes terrified human with such strong old habits, feel the possibility of embrace, of love, from that deep, wise part of the self. “(Your name), I forgive you. I love you.”
Can this sometimes crazy human accept that love? To accept it really means to let go of the armoring held through self-judgment to protect you from the pain of feeling yourself to be a failure. Feeling unworthy. Feeling inadequate. Are you ready to stop enacting those old erroneous beliefs about the self? What old beliefs want to go with the acceptance of forgiveness, the offering of forgiveness? Who are you, really? Let yourself shine forth.
I’ll be quiet for just a minute or two.
(pause)
Speaking those words to yourself, “I forgive you. I love you.” And feeling the heart accept that and open.
Now, in this two minutes before lunch, I invite you to join me in singing, “This Little Light of Mine, I’m Gonna Let it Shine.” Most of you know it. It’s not in our songbook, I think, but it’s easy to follow. Can somebody lead it?
(singing with enthusiasm!)
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
When my heart is breaking,
I’m gonna let it shine.
When my heart is breaking,
I’m gonna let it shine.
When my heart is breaking,
I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
When my body’s aching,
I’m gonna let it shine.
When my body’s aching,
I’m gonna let it shine.
When my body’s aching,
I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
This is why we wanted to do this kind of workshop! We can’t sing like this in a silent retreat!
Go and enjoy your lunch. We’ll see you at 2pm. Thank you.
These questions were introduced for dining table/ small group discussion and each person given a copy.
small groups – Taking stock: Three parts:
Aaron will briefly introduce each part – 5 minutes, then groups.
Where have we matured and where have we resisted maturing?
Parts of list taken from “Grace in Aging” by Kathleen Dowling Singh:
Exploring Resistance and Closure:
– What are my resistances to being fully present?
– What are my distractions?
– What are my fears?
– How honest is my self-inquiry? Where do I not want to look?
– How well am I able to be with unease, disappointment, and suffering?
– Where do I hold back from love? Where do I grasp for it?
– What are my most frequent aversions?
– Where do I cling?
– Where do I limit my identity?
– What are the predominant stories I still tell myself?
Exploring Opening:
-What supports my ability to release the heart’s armor and be more vulnerable and tender?
– How thorough is my forgiveness of others? Of myself?
– How deep is my gratitude?
– How generous is my heart?
– How spontaneous is compassion?
– How have I nurtured patience with myself and others?
Moving forward
– Am I ready to set aside judging and attachment to negative thought?
– What helps me to experience the presence of spirit?
– What keeps me from living in that presence?