November 1, 2014 Saturday Afternoon, Geneva Retreat
Q&A on Resistance
John: There were a couple of questions that people had for the Brother of Light who was incorporated, that he felt would be better for Aaron or someone else to address. One question was, what are some tips or ways of working with resistance?
Barbara: Do you want to speak to that?
John: Sure…(laughter; Q: Are you feeling resistance?)
Barbara: Aaron says you’re good at this! You are skilled at working with resistance.
John: I experience my share of it. So what is resistance? Let’s start there. What is resistance?
Resistance feels like a pushing back energy with us, when we feel resistant to something. So it can be helpful to be aware of that pushing back experience. Aaron described it when we do the pushing arms experience, where we feel that we’re resisting the catalysts of life that we’re experiencing at any given moment. And so there’s resistance to those catalysts.
I think at the core of the resistance is fear, that in some way whatever is presenting itself to me in this moment is threatening in some way. Or that I have experienced this catalyst before and it’s been unpleasant or painful to me, and there’s resistance to opening more fully to the catalyst in this moment because it’s hard, it’s difficult, it’s challenging, it’s painful, so I would rather back away than to meet it in some way.
I can’t meet the resistance with my ego and with any kind of force or aggression because that would just create more resistance. The only way I can meet the resistance in the moment is with kindness, and with compassion for myself in this moment meeting this hard thing, challenging thing, in my life. So I think that that’s one important point in relationship to resistance: my relationship with the resistance. Do I want to turn around and run the other way? Do I want to, in some way, engage whatever it is that’s coming at me that I feel resistance to with more force or aggression, or that fix-it, change it, make it better mentality, that the Brother of Light was speaking about with us today?
Or can I just breathe in this resistance—breathing in, I’m aware of this resistance right now, breathing out, I smile to the resistance. I allow myself to engage with the resistance more from the place of openness and investigation, the investigation of what’s happening right now, by asking the question, what am I resisting? What am I resisting in this moment?
Let’s just take, for example, the feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, which we talked about last evening related to the question of karma and how to resolve the karma. That when we experience either this particular habit energy, of the fear of being unworthy, unlovable, not good enough, or any kind of habit pattern, karmic pattern: my needs are not going to be met; I don’t feel safe in some way. Whatever the karmic pattern habit energy that comes up for any of us, but is a repeated pattern that keeps coming up over and over again. And the reason that it keeps coming up over and over again is because it’s inviting us to work with it, to be present with it. To find deeper resolution of that karmic pattern, because our intention is to open more deeply to love and liberation of the heart. And that’s why we come to these kinds of workshops and retreats, is because we want to do this deep inner work.
So the pattern is going to come up because we’re meditating and the space opens up for whatever karmic patterns we wish to resolve, to have that opportunity to resolve them. And, being human, at the same time, there’s some resistance to doing this deep inner work, because it takes a lot of effort. It takes energy and intention and commitment to meet the challenge of these habit patterns and habit energies.
So it’s human. It’s very human. How many people here have experienced resistance thus far in this retreat? (laughter) People are raising two hands, are waving! That’s how human it is. Breathing in, I’m aware of this resistance to open. Breathing out, I smile to it. I make the resistance the object of my meditation, the object of my awareness.
And to see how I’m relating to the resistance. Is there judgment of myself, because even though I know I came here to do this deep inner work and work with the feelings of unworthy, inadequate, unlovable, is there judgment of myself because there’s some resistance to opening more deeply to these patterns and working with them skillfully, or judgment of myself because the patterns keep reappearing over and over and don’t seem to be more resolved or balanced in my life? What is my experience with what I am resisting in terms of the inner work in place being offered to me right now in my life?
And then that becomes the proper object to pay attention to, which is that there is perhaps some fear there of the resolution of the pattern, or doubt that I’m able to do it. And that can be part of the resistance. Or feeling a failure, feeling that I’m not able to do it, that other people are able to do it but I can’t do it. So there can be a lot of judgment and doubt and fear in the experience of the resistance.
And so as we begin to investigate it more deeply, we start to see what the resistance, the different elements, aspects, of the resistance that is there, and then work with that in terms of vipassana practice, which is so helpful in being able to address the different states of mind like doubt and fear, resistance, etc.
Let me ask you, all of you: in your daily practice, do you have resistance to meditation at home? When the thought arises, “Okay, it’s time to meditate,” and there’s a part that wants to do that, is there a part of you that resists doing that? I want to hear from you now, what is that resistance? In your experience, what is that resistance? Is it that you’re afraid of seeing something, or that the meditation is going to be uncomfortable in some way? What is the resistance that we experience in our practice as it relates to our formal meditation time?
Q: The resistance varies. It is multi-faced because it’s not real. So it may show up as, “I have too much to do,” or it may show up as, “This is not a good time.” It may show up as, “There are more important things.” But it varies, because it’s not real, is how I experience it. It’s just something showing up.
John: So the resistance is not real, you’re saying, but it kind of manifests itself in different ways, in terms of your experience of it.
Q: I think in a job situation that maybe the element of resistance is fear because of the consequences. If somebody is overloading you with work and his or her favorite person is doing nothing, it could be fearful if you offer resistance to what’s going on.
Q: I’m not sure how clearly I can say this, but often for me resistance comes from the pain of feeling the energy of the heart closing after it’s open. And it seems easier to keep it closed than feel the pain of opening it.
John: A very good point, thank you. The resistance of the heart.
Q: And I think it comes from just maybe another layer of like, shame, “Look at me, I’m (inaudible), not a radiant being,” (inaudible).
John: Sometimes the closedness of the heart in itself almost becomes habitual and familiar to us, and to investigate that and to have the heart more open, that there is resistance.
Q: And part of it is also pain in trying to force it open. That’s really painful too. (inaudible).
John: Which you can’t really do, you can’t force your heart to open. But even that closedness of heart is also an example of resistance, the contraction. Usually when I’m experiencing resistance I’m feeling a contracted energy. It’s a kind of closed energy, when I’m resisting something, because it may feel in some way challenging to me, or that it’s going to call forth something within myself which I’m not sure I’m able to give. So there’s a sense of, “I’m not sure I can do this.”
As the Brother was talking to us and encouraging us to do this deep inner work, there were times when I was feeling resistance to it because, as he was saying, it’s the most difficult work that we’ll ever be asked to do. So it would seem almost natural that there would be some resistance to the deepest work that we’ll ever be asked to do. And I can feel that at times, where I know that this is the work, and I know that there’s the possibility of doing it, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.
One time, a friend of mine at a monastery in Thailand– he was an older Western monk than I was. We were both young, but he was a little bit older than me. We lived in southern Thailand in a beach-y area. It was sand. And he took his toe like this and he drew a line in the sand like this. And he said, “Here you are, and you have to step across that line.” And that line, in my mind, is the resistance. And the willingness to step across it. And that’s why it feels sometimes, in terms of the inner work that we’re doing now, that essentially we’re stepping across that line. But there’s some resistance, sometimes, to stepping across that line, because, where am I going? What’s going to happen? Who will I be? What will be asked of me in this process? And so sometimes it feels like that’s the resistance, to me.
Perhaps Barbara can speak further about it.
Barbara: For me, I find it comes. It comes, it goes. Some mornings it’s so easy to sit, and I flow into this light-filled space, and sometimes there’s resistance. I’ve learned that I need to just sit, not to listen to the stories that say, “Oh I can do it later.” Just to say, “Ah, this is resistance.” And if there’s strong resistance, that becomes the predominant object. What is the experience of resistance in this moment? How does it feel in the body? How am I relating to it?
The, I think of the Rumi poem, “A swarm of beings sweep your house, violently. Let them in.”
The Guest House by Rumi
translated by Coleman Barks, from The Essential Rumi,
(San Francisco, Harper SanFrancisco) 1995, p. 109
This human being is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
All these thoughts and resistance and body sensations, ah, just let it be experienced. Because only in giving it the fullest experience and being present with it do I allow it to reveal itself for what’s underneath, what’s really happening. I’m not trying to dig it out. I’m not trying to figure it out. I’m just willing to be present with the body sensations, the mind, the whole tension of resistance, and invite it to reveal itself. And sometimes it takes days to reveal itself. Sometimes there’s just resistance, day after day after day.
But I find that when I’m kindly persistent, not “I should sit,” but just, “I know there’s something here that wants to reveal itself, and this will be helpful in the end. I trust my practice to that degree. I will simply sit with resistance.” And then gradually it does reveal itself.
I’ve learned that the open heart is always there, and resistance usually comes from some place of fear. For me it’s often a fear of stepping over that line. What will be asked of me if I go that one step further? Maybe I can tolerate pollution of the water, but to see these babies being beheaded, how can I tolerate that? What will be asked of me? How much compassion am I capable of? Feeling myself pushed in that way.
And yet it’s this that engenders this deeper compassion. I spoke two words before. Ahimsa is dynamic compassion, and satyagraha is soul force, and they work together. As the heart opens deeper and deeper and deeper into this quality of dynamic compassion, I begin to feel the real power of the soul, the loving essence of my being, and to trust that I will never abuse that power in the world. That I can safely step into that power. So part of my resistance is fear of becoming too powerful and not being ready to hold that power. But I start to trust myself more.
Resistance is really just another object to work with, a very hard one but workable.
Dan: In my practice, resistance brings up the bigger subject of motivation, why I practice. And I can talk about, well, I want to meditate for this reason or another. But on a day to day level, it feels good. It’s an inherently pleasurable thing to meditate most of the time because the open heart feels good. And I’ve allowed that pleasure and happiness to be a motivator. It becomes a habit. Every morning I go into that place to look for the open heart. And whether I find it or not, I know it’s there. And it’s become a habit.
In the same way, if that regular contact with the open heart in sitting doesn’t happen, I become unbalanced. I don’t like it. It would be similar to, on a physical level, when you don’t exercise after you’re used to exercising for a long period of time. Or you eat something different that you’re not used to eating and so your body has a different experience.
So when I encounter resistance to my meditation, which I do, it’s usually a Pavlovian battle between “I want the pleasure” and “I don’t want to meditate.” And that has been a very powerful motivating force for me because it’s so <primal/primary>. I need meditation. I have this inner compulsion to. And that’s usually enough to overcome resistance.
It’s not something that is intellectual. And I’m wondering, do other people have that experience? How does pleasure work, how does that sense of well-being you get from meditation, how much is that a motivating factor? Where would the resistance from that come from?
Q: Remarkably, I was going to say something very similar to that. My first spiritual teacher really said to me that usually all your habitual tendencies are something you have to overcome, that you can make them work for you. So he suggested that I meditate at a certain time each day, at a certain place, and make it totally regular. And what I found was after about two weeks it felt very uncomfortable not to be in that pattern. So for now it’s normal for me to meditate in the morning because it’s a habit.
My resistance will come in, then, when I’m meditating, which is how (inaudible). Sometimes I’m fully there with the attention and sometimes I’m not. For me, I think I have to be easy on myself and allow myself to have days when I’m just not meditating well. And know that it’s going to come around in the cycle to when I’ll really be able to stabilize myself in meditation.
But the fact that I do it every day is a tremendous benefit to me, because even the days when I don’t go deeply into meditation, still I watch the breath. When the breath is even and slow, you get into a peaceful state, even if your mind is working and whatever. So even the days that I’m really distracted in my meditation when I get up, I’m different than when I sat down. So I’m very happy that I’m able to do that.
John: And it sounds like patience helps you during the days where it’s not a good day of meditation.
Q: When Dan was speaking, I had this same idea of saying, “Ditto, ditto!” I maybe would skip breakfast or skip anything, but if I don’t meditate, I feel off. I work with people and their energies, and if I have to go to work and I haven’t meditated, I know it’s going to give a static and a roughness to my whole day. So I get a lot out of it.
I don’t know about the resistance. I would sort of go the other way. I think I get so habituated that I don’t want it to be stale, so maybe once in a while I’ll say, “Just see what happens if you don’t meditate, what will happen.” And then the next day I can’t wait to meditate again.
I think after enough years it just becomes a part of you, your view. And like I feel the energy arising and I feel it opening. And then I’m available to share that with people, and to share people’s own energy with themselves. (inaudible)
John: Okay. There was one other question that the Brother of Light wanted others to respond to. It was about, when we find ourselves caught in our mind and thinking and worrying, how can we move more deeply into the experience of the heart? Going from here (head) to here (heart).
Barbara: For me, just with awareness. We spoke earlier in the week, maybe in the pre-retreat, about the practice of clear comprehension of purpose, of suitability, bringing it into meditation. So when I find myself caught in my head, it’s a form of resistance. When I find myself not in my heart, it’s a form of resistance.
Then I ask myself, what is my highest purpose here? Is it to hold this armoring, or is it to be as fully open as I can be? And can I honor the fact that there’s something in me that’s afraid, here? Not force myself, but gently invite myself to bring this back into the heart.
So I begin to observe how the mind gets caught up in the stories and just to note and come back into the heart again and again and again. I come back into the heart often just by putting my hand on my heart and noting, “Getting mental. Getting up in my head.” Breathe, come back.
We might ask, how does it feel to be in the heart? There aren’t a lot of stories in the heart. There may be pain. There may be an achy-ness, sadness. But there are no stories, in that it’s a direct experience. And moving into the head is a way of dodging the pain of that experience. The heart breaks open because of the suffering of the world and the suffering that we personally really cannot fix. We can only hold space for it. We can learn skillful ways to say no, but some of this madness in the world is still going to go on.
So the energy goes up into the head, trying to be somebody who finally can control and fix this. The opposite is not a giving up, it’s more surrendering of the personal ego self to the higher self, the deeper wisdom self, this one-who-knows. Resting in this one-who-knows, trusting the dharma, trusting the heart’s capacity for love. And gradually we begin to see the results of that, and it becomes easier to trust it.
It’s 5:15 here… We’ve been talking here a long time. Let’s end here. We’ll do some more talking after dinner. Go off, take a walk, do yoga with Amy. Go and watch the sunset. We’ll meet back here probably around 7:30pm…