February 15, 2016 Monday Morning, Brazil
A “Cold Eggs for Breakfast”, Talk 1: Steps to Forgiveness
Thusly named as they came from discussions over breakfast at the Casa while the eggs got cold!
Barbara: Some time ago a man came to me feeling troubled because he couldn’t forgive his parents for a number of serious grievances. What he didn’t realize at the time was that he’d already taken the first step: recognizing a need for forgiveness.
However, as most of us know, getting from recognition to action can take a series of steps and a fair amount of time. Today we’ll look at those steps and talk about how others have approached forgiveness. We’ll travel along the intertwined tracks that lead to forgiveness: One of them will help us learn how the energy of forgiveness [and all energy] flows, looking at the differences between contracted and non-contracted energy. The other track will show us how to start the path to forgiveness with compassion.
Whenever we start with the premise that I should, or, I must forgive, or do anything, we’re starting from a place of contracted energy, which is being really harsh on ourselves. It puts a narrow, restricted focus on an issue. Imagine trying to give or receive something when your hand is contracted into a tight fist. It’s not only counterproductive, it’s exhausting. Our task is easier – and more effective – if we relax and broaden our view to encompass a number of areas. When we open our hand or our heart we create a welcoming space for help and energy to find a home in us. At some level, our objective is to end suffering, so why start from a contracted state that creates more suffering?
I find that when I start with compassion, the first thing I do is extend it to myself. Once I focus on my own situation, I find myself gradually opening up to compassion for the other person. At this point I’m not forgiving them, I’m just feeling compassion for them, seeing how their offending behavior may be rooted in their own circumstances or suffering. Gradually this compassion can blossom into forgiveness. As Aaron has said many times, “When compassion is complete, there’s nothing left to forgive.”
The man who started this conversation with me told me what a channeled being told him at a time when he still had a lot of anger toward his father: “You have no idea who he is in truth – or what was going on in his mind – that led him to do these things.” He realized that there were things about his life that she didn’t know, “I was able to see him in a completely different way. This understanding didn’t stop my hurt and anger, but it was a step towards being able to expand my compassion – for each of us.”
Compassion opens our hearts to the experience and suffering of others. It helps us to hear them, to begin to see from their perspective. It keeps us from creating separation and closing ourselves off. There’s a level of consciousness where we’re all one. Whenever we build a wall between ourselves and the rest of creation we’re moving further away from this oneness.
When we hold on to anger and hurt we only hurt ourselves. Forgiving and letting go doesn’t mean we condone what happened. It simply means that we’re willing not to keep it going, to carry it further. If we carry these negative feelings with us, we infect those around us, not just today, but into future generations.
One of Aaron’s key lessons is that we incarnate to learn certain things – like love and non-separation from our true, spiritual selves. The ego, ever looking to bolster itself by creating separation, finds power when we blame anything it perceives as not itself. Opening our hearts doesn’t mean we ignore pain and suffering. It means we act to resolve them without assigning blame. We don’t act from a contracted place, but from an open heart that says “I wish to open this up completely, to release all fear, hatred and contraction. If I release my part of it, then maybe somebody can release theirs. And basically this is what we’re all doing. We’re in this world to move into a higher consciousness that’s not grounded in separate egos.
One of the best tools for developing compassion is learning to look at another’s life through their eyes. Thich Nhat Hanh is a Buddhist monk who wrote a poem about this: “Please Call Me By My True Names”. ( https://www.earthlight.org/earthsaint26.html )
In it, he compares the perspectives and experiences of victims and their abusers. He wrote the poem after learning of the rape of a 12-year old girl. He transmuted his anger to a realization: “If I had grown up in the home of a sea pirate, with its probable abuse and negative values preached at me, I could rape a child, too. While I may condemn his actions, how can I condemn him?
Let me tell you the story of another person, here a woman. Her father had sexually abused her and she’d distanced herself from her whole family. Years later her sick, aging father wrote her, saying he’d like to resume contact. Her response? “No.”
But as we sat and talked, she saw that she needed to have compassion for herself and her own suffering as a child – and also compassion for him. So she decided to see him.
She arrived to find him drunk and addressing her with inappropriate, sexually suggestive language. She walked out of the room. She came back to me and we talked. I suggested that she tell him two things ahead of time: “If I come and you’ve been drinking, I’m leaving immediately. If you drink while I’m there, I’m leaving immediately, because when you’re drinking, you use inappropriate speech. And, whether or not you’re drinking, if you act in a sexually suggestive manner, I’m leaving. He lived a long drive from her house, so it was not easy to just drop in. She went to see him and left within five minutes – a half dozen times. She kept asking, “How often do I have to do this?” And I said, “Until you feel you’ve done what you feel you need to do.”
Finally his behavior began to change. He stopped drinking when he was with her. He stopped using inappropriate speech. And while she never really enjoyed her time with him, she felt it was very valuable and healing for each of them. Finally, after nearly five years, she was able to forgive him. She spent time with him as he became older and sicker. She felt very joyful that she was able to respond with love. When he died she was very glad that she had been able to do that. But it wasn’t easy. It took a long time and it took her being able to say very firmly, “If you do this, I will not come.” His response was up to him.
Sometimes, depending on our situation and relationship with people, we can inwardly find compassion – and even forgiveness – and still say, “No, I’m not going to have contact with them.” Because if the person continues to be abusive, we need to say no. But that’s coming from an open-hearted place, and not from a fear-based, armored place, so it’s compassionate to all.
Back in the 60’s, I was in a small southern town where I’d participated in a sit-in at a lunch counter. I was sitting with a black woman and when the clerk came over we asked for two Cokes. He brought them over to us, and I wanted that coke a sit was a hot day! He dumped them on our heads while signaling the police to arrest us. We were dragged to a paddy wagon and there I was, crammed with a lot of others in a tiny cell. Anger filled my heart. “These people are brutal. They have no concept of what they’re doing. They’re so bigoted…” Then there was a beautiful, older black woman. Looking back now, I’m guessing she was probably about 50. But then, I was 20 and she seemed old. She was impeccably, dressed, even though she’d also been dragged out to the police wagon. Her hat was perfectly in place and her hair was combed. She said to me, “You look very angry.” “Of course, I’m angry,” I said. “Aren’t you angry?” She looked at me with such compassionate eyes and she said, “Of course I’m angry, sweetheart, but I also love them. And they are so afraid.”
I never knew her name, but she was a profound teacher for me. “Of course I’m angry, but I also love them, and they are so afraid.” What a powerful teaching.
These stories are examples of balancing our energies through observation, followed by appropriate action or non-action.
Compassion is non-contracted energy. It nullifies the tensions we create with the musts and shoulds of our life. Separately, these two forms of energy – contraction and spaciousness, stillness and movement – seem to form a duality, like much of the good/bad, light/dark universe we perceive. But it’s still a single universe. And we’re part of it. If we recognize that duality is a construct, not a fact, we’ll find that compassion for others and the forgiveness it leads to comes much more easily. As Aaron often says, “That which is aware of contraction is not contracted. That which is aware of anger is not angry. That which is aware of fear is not afraid.”
If you would like to learn more about how to recognize the non-duality of contracted and non-contracted energy, as well as how to use this recognition to deal with life’s difficulties, you may want to spend a few minutes with one of Aaron’s talks on the topic.
For one talk which includes several exercises to give you experience in balancing both contracted and non-contracted energy, simply go to https://archives.deepspring.org/Aaron/ClassSeries/2003/October152003.html