May 2, 2017 Tuesday Evening, Human Class
Worldly Dharmas, Doubt, The One Who Knows
Aaron: My blessings and love to you all. Barbara began the sitting by reading pages I had pre-selected from my book, Human. (pages 76-84) This has been our voyage since the start of the year. How do we live fully as humans without abandoning the essence of our being? How do we bring forth that essence without abandoning the human?
You came into the incarnation with much courage, as I have often said, knowing it was not going to be easy. The path actually becomes more challenging as you become more of a spiritual elder, seeking to live your lives with kindness and non-harm, because of course the heavy emotions have not fully been purified and so there will be anger, fear, grasping, jealousy, pride; you name it, it will show up. The biggest challenge is not that these have not been purified fully and that they do show up but that when experienced, it’s hard for you to trust that you are connected with and speaking and acting from the purest essence of yourself. You are very uncomfortable with the idea that you may be acting and speaking from the ego, and so you freeze up.
Imagine yourself in a situation. You are with a large group of people, but you are not the proclaimed leader of the group, you are just one person. There is an imperative need to cross a range of mountains to escape war, famine, plague, whatever may be happening on this side of the mountains. There are three routes to the fertile and beautiful land on the far side. You can go up and over very high snow-bound peaks. You can take a long and meandering valley that a river has cut through the mountains. The mountains come down, so there’s just a narrow path, and if the river floods, it’s washed away. Or you can travel all the way around through a dense forest, a very long and hard journey but without the perils of the high peaks or the river valley.
What chooses in you? Some of you may be foresters, love the woods. Some of you may love the high peaks. Some of you may trust the waters. You choose for yourself. And then, if there are thousands of people saying, “I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do!”, you don’t say, “This way is the best,” or “That way is the best,” but, “I am going to go this way,” whichever is your choice, “and you may come with me if you wish. All three routes will lead us where we need to go. There is not a wrong or right route.”
So you choose. What are you going to choose, (people replying) mountains, river, forest, Mountains… forest… forest.. river…
Q: I let my heart decide.
Aaron: But right now we’re asking your heart, which would it decide? No ideas, yet; you would just start on the path and see where your feet take you. River… mountains… river… river. So we can see there are many options and no one is right. Whichever path you choose, there are going to be challenges, and there are going to be highlights and beauty.
When love leads the way and others follow you, they are following their own heart, because you have not said, “It must be this way.” The challenges are mutual challenges. I personally love the Emerald Isle retreat, and four of you were there, this past week. Some people tell me, though, the surf is too loud. Barbara has had people say to her, pre-retreat, “Please, this year can I have a room that faces the ocean.” And then half way through the retreat they come to her and say, “Please, could I find somebody to switch rooms with me. I cannot sleep because the surf is too loud.” Some people come to me pre-retreat saying, “Aaron, I hope you will be giving many new teachings.” Others come to me saying, “I hope it will be very quiet.” And part way through the retreat, those who said, “I hope it will be quiet,” say, “Aaron, I wish I could hear more from you here.” And those who wanted a lot of teaching from me say, “Aaron, it’s too busy. I want more quiet.”
You can only choose for yourself, as I choose what I will teach at the retreat. Open the door and invite, and assume those who come will benefit. So I’m not swayed by praise or blame, but I still want to keep my heart very open and listen to make sure that I am teaching clearly and not leaving confusion behind me.
Tonight’s teaching is not about the Emerald Isle retreat; it’s about how we choose the course, and how we then do not get caught in praise or blame from others. Like and dislike, pleasant and unpleasant— do you know the Worldly Dharmas? Are you familiar with that teaching? What are they, the Worldly Dharmas? (group replies) It’s a beautiful teaching. Let’s spend a little time with it.
Pleasure and pain, sometimes one, sometimes the other. And it can shift in a moment. Joy and sorrow. Gain and loss. Praise and blame. Fame and disrepute, which is bit different than praise and blame. It’s more many people praising you, or many people saying, “No, terrible.” The praise and blame are often more from the self; the fame and disrepute more from others.
Remember I said a few weeks ago, whatever you do not love comes as teacher. We all want praise, people loving us. We all want gain, we want pleasure, we want joy. But in a moment, it shifts and we don’t have it. You’ve chosen the path through the mountains, and all is going very well. You’re hiking across one of the highest passes on a trail that has packed snow, walkable. The sun is shining. It’s cold, but not bitterly cold. You’re feeling strong, and suddenly there’s an avalanche!
Joy… One person at Emerald Isle put it very well this week. She was meditating, as I had asked, on the beach, lying near the ocean. Waves coming in and just barely touching her feet and rolling back out. She said she was feeling such intense joy, and suddenly a big wave came and washed over her completely! That which is not loved comes as teacher. This is not about the wave, this is about the expectation: I will be comfortable and I won’t get wet. Safe, yes We’re not talking of a tidal wave, here. But if you’re going to lie on the sand next to the water, you’re probably going to get wet. If you have a different expectation, you’re going to suffer.
These Worldly Dharmas, so-called because in every lifetime you will constantly encounter all of them; maybe not all at once, but all of them will come within a day or two. That which is not loved comes as teacher. The waves are too noisy. The airplanes flying overhead are too noisy. The surf is not big enough; I wanted to ride my surfboard. There’s sand sticking to my clothes. And so, we learn equanimity, a deep sense of presence with things as they are, from the heart. Willing to witness the places of resistance and discontent, of fear and discomfort, without the idea, “I am wrong. I should have chosen the different path. And what about the people who are walking with me?”
Sometime during most retreats, especially during the long retreats, Barbara hears from some of the people who say, when I say quiet and noisy, I don’t mean talking among the retreatants, but too busy, or external noise, or the wind is too loud, the waves are too loud. The airplanes are flying over. The snail that’s crawling across the sand is making a little, “sss, sss, sss,” and it’s too loud! And she hears from some people, “I wanted to hear more from Aaron,” or from her, or from John. I want more chanting. I want more instruction periods.
Even now, while Barbara does not get caught up in the stories, when she hears these different, “I need this, I need that,” something contracts in her. “Oh, I’m not meeting everybody’s needs.” She catches it immediately, or almost so. How could I meet everybody’s needs? It is not my job to meet everybody’s needs. It’s simply my job to give a clear dharma talk, to lead as clear a retreat as is possible, and with love. To choose my path over the mountains, or along the river valley with the forest, and invite those who would find it useful to join me. But yes, even for Barbara that contraction comes up.
Now, first of all, I think all of you are aware of that contraction, yes? How do we handle it? This is what I want to focus on, tonight. The contraction will arise, mostly because you do deeply aspire to be of service to people and to live your life in loving ways. You do deeply aspire to service. At the retreat, we focused on the practice I call the practice of clear light. I find this a very powerful and beautiful practice. It’s a helpful way of touching in on this inner radiance, on the power of the loving heart. It may or may not be experienced as light. It may be experienced as loving energy, as a feeling of connection or deep kindness. But usually when you’re experiencing that kind of connection and kindness there is an experience of radiance.
Somebody at the retreat put it to me in this way, “Aaron, when I am meditating and my heart feels so open, this morning as I looked around, everybody seemed to be glowing. What happened?” The glow has always been there, but when the heart is open it can perceive the glow, it can perceive the radiance.
How many of you have at least occasionally meditated with nada as a primary object? Some of you… So when you’re meditating in a deep space, nada becomes strong. How many of you have occasionally meditated with energy as a primary object? And when you’re in a deep, quiet meditation, does the energy become strong and seem to encompass everything? So it is with the light.
We are used to looking at what’s wrong, what’s lacking, rather than just coming home to: what brings me back to connection, what brings me back to love? So these Worldly Dharmas arise. Pleasant and unpleasant. Unpleasant, contracting; what brings me back? In this moment, what is truly pleasant, right there with the unpleasant? The little snail, still working its way across the sand near your feet. You can’t even hear the swish, swish of its movement. Maybe it’s a turtle. You can’t hear the movement because the waves are loud, and the contraction comes from, “I should be able to hear it.” Pleasant, unpleasant. But what brings me home again?
We have the mountains, the rivers, the forests. Each of you finds your own route as to what brings you home; there is no one path. But it’s important that you begin to discern what is most accessible and powerful for you and find the way to stay connected to whatever it is that guides you. Q said she would let her heart guide her. How do you know which path to choose? Are you going to get half way up the mountain, find it’s steep and say, “No, I better go back to the river.”? Then part way down the river there are heavy rains, the paths are washed out and the river is flowing with such force that there’s no place to walk? And you go back and say, “I guess I’ll try the forest.” But in the forest, that heavy rain has knocked down trees. And after climbing over tree after tree blocking the path, you decide to go back to the mountain.
All paths will bring you home. The clarity and awakened heart that you seek are already present within you. There needs to be a degree of trust of your choice, of that deep voice within, and there needs to be discernment. So, these two factors are critical. Discernment, so that you know when it’s the ego speaking. “Oh, I”m going to be the first one that made it on the route over the mountain. Me, I’m going to do that.” Probably not the path you want to take, certainly not guiding others.
Discernment. How can you tell when the heart is leading? Q, you said that you would choose the path your heart offers. How would you know?
Q: I feel the energy pulling me in a direction.
Aaron: I think that’s a very clear answer. However, of course that which we perceive as the energy that’s drawing us can be stimulated by ego. How do we discern?
Q: Trust.
Aaron: Trust, based on what?
Q: I think the answer that comes from the still point.
Aaron: And how do we know when we’ve touched that still point?
Q: You don’t feel this.
Aaron: And what helps you simultaneously be aware of this AND touch into the still point? How can you recognize it?
Q: Observe it.
Aaron: Others, how do you feel it?
Q: Meditating.
Q: Do I feel contracted or expanded?
Aaron: That’s a major one. If there’s contraction, then probably there’s some ego, and you’re not fully in that still point. With expansion there’s more ground for trusting: this is the voice that I need to follow, even though there are a thousand other voices shrieking, “No, this way! That way!”
Q: Keep opening the hand that wants to clutch that little bird.
Aaron: Which is really a way of opening, expansion. There’s no expansion if the hand is clenched. Just feeling that energy is a wonderful place to focus.
How about intention? Knowing your intention. Frequently remembering your intention. You’re much less likely to get sidetracked into ego’s little, “Psst! Come this way! Come this way!” when your heart really knows its intention.
I’ve always loved the song from Man of La Mancha, “The Impossible Dream”. Do you know that song? I can’t sing the music, of course… (group sings)
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star.
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause
And I know if I’ll only be true
To that glorious quest
That my heart
Will lie peaceful and calm
When I’m laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star.
(applause)
You might consider singing this every morning. This really sums up loving intention. Sing it every morning for a while, see what happens.
Each of you will have some of these Worldly Dharmas that are harder for you than others. Gain and loss; for some, so much fear of losing, of the aging body, of losing material things, your family, your friends. For some of you, so much fear of blame for yourself and others, and the constant self-blame. For some of you, the strong aversion to that which is unpleasant. Grasping at that which is pleasant. Any of them is a powerful teacher. With any of them, the most skillful way to practice is, when it goes against the way you want it to be, to watch the contraction. To watch grasping, to offer compassion for the human that is thusly stuck, and to say, “Thank you, teacher.” Here we are; thank you. Thank you for the opportunity of this challenging thing called life. It’s not what I wanted; it’s what I needed. And you’ll notice that as you pass by one or another big challenge and breathe a big sigh of relief, suddenly there’s a different one on the horizon. You know that.
I am not suggesting here that the Four Noble Truths are untrue and that there is no end to suffering; there is. But the end of suffering is not what you think. It’s not when discomfort or loss and so forth cease, but when you understand these will always arise for the human and it’s okay. And each will do the best she can with the flood in the river valley, with the avalanche, with the forest blown over with trees blocking the way. Each will do the best he can with it. That’s all we can do. That is the end of suffering.
The one who can walk those high mountain peaks, or the river valley or forest, without constant contraction or fear, without ego’s stories, is the one that is resting in the heart and able to listen to the voice of the heart with trust. And also, with the discernment that, if there’s a shift off into ego’s voice, perhaps just a whisper saying, “No, not this,” but spoken from fear, discernment is there. You know what to trust and what to let go of. That’s a hard one. Let’s talk a bit more, then, about how you do that.
Q: Can you say a word about doubt, strong doubt?
Aaron: It’s inevitable. It will come as a very uncomfortable visitor. What balances doubt? Courage, good. What else?
Group: Faith. Experience. Community.
Aaron: Community is helpful, yes. How do these balance doubt?
Q: Because I think they allow you to make enough space to permit the knowledge that’s already there.
Aaron: Yes. Others? I see it like the tightrope walker with the long pole that helps him balance. All of these qualities help to restore balance, and bring you back to that still point. Doubt comes from the absence, it arises from the seeming absence of stillness and clarity. Stillness and clarity are always there, but because of the contraction, doubt can no longer access the stillness and clarity, the wisdom, the courage, the community. The One Who Knows; The Pali word I believe we’ve introduced, that Ajahn Chah uses in some of his books, pu-ru, the One Who Knows. Coming back to pu-ru, the heart that knows, the One Who Knows.
Can you see that in some ways it takes more courage to follow that One Who Knows in the face of resistance from others in the world, in community, than it takes to give in to doubt? That’s where courage comes in, the courage to follow your heart.
I know if I only be true to this glorious quest
My heart will lie peaceful and calm when I’m laid to my rest.
This is really what this whole year has been about, this class. Learning how to access this deep heart mind, this wisdom and love, and trust it in the face of all the buffeting by winds and rocking by loud voices and whatever pushes you. And also the humility to say, “I was wrong.”, when you understand that to be so. It is not bad to say, “I thought I was following my heart, but I was not clearly following the heart, and I see that I got sidetracked a bit. I apologize to any that I may have harmed by insisting on the leading of my heart, when I see now that I held a distortion of fear in it. And now I think I am seeing more clearly. And I will need to trust that until I feel some contraction…” — there’s a difference, two different contractions. One is a contraction of fear: what will people think? Do I have it right? Is it good enough? And one is a contraction of the love essence of the self, recognizing that the ego voice has been louder than it thought, and stepping back, acknowledging this is not the voice that you really wanted to follow. It happens to everyone.
Is there anyone here who has not in the past year been certain of something and not had a change of heart? It can be something little. “I know I’m not going to like that food. This doesn’t agree with me.” And then you eat it and oh, it’s delicious. So, you thought you were following your heart and protecting yourself. “This food maybe something with soy in it. I don’t like soy; soy doesn’t agree with me.” And then you eat something with soy, and it’s so delicious and your body is so happy with it. “Oh, it’s okay.”
So how does this work, the question of discernment, trust, doubt, and this deep inner knowing, which sometimes can still be slightly confused or off-center? One of you said “experience,” but sometimes you have a different experience. “I don’t like that person.” And then you find yourself thrown into a situation with them, just the two of you, and the person is so sweet and loving and opens their heart, and you say, “Why did I ever dislike this person?”
So, doubt is not negative. Doubt comes as a teacher. With doubt, one asks, is there something here to which I have closed my heart, so that I’m uncertain which way to go because I’ve armored myself in some way? I personally have found that doubt ceases to arise when the armoring falls away. Then we ask, how do we discern the armoring and when it’s gone? Is there no end to it?
How do you know when the armoring is gone?
Q: Lately I’ve been experiencing fear and doubt that comes with little bitty heart palpitations or stomach flip-flops. And I’ve been practicing breathing with them and allowing them to open up. And I feel that the armoring falls off when I let them have space and breath, and they actually just finish.
Aaron: That sounds perfect to me. Others? How do you discern when the armoring is opening or is deeply present?
Q: I think I sense the armoring sometimes as a pain. And if I breathe into that area, just breathe into it, eventually it will clear, or at least it goes towards clearing.
Aaron: Yes! But remember that even if the armor remains, that which is not armored is there because it’s always been there. Where do you put your attention, on the armor or on that which is free of the armor? If you give your attention to the armor, saying, “I’m going to get rid of the armor,” can you feel the tension in that? When you say: breathing in, I am aware of the armor. Breathing out, I hold space for the armor. Breathing in, I am aware of the armor. Breathing in, I smile into the spaciousness. I invite the fuller manifestation of spaciousness. Not “Get out of here, armor!”, but I invite the fullest manifestation of spaciousness. I thank the spaciousness. I love the spaciousness. Not, “I love this, I hate that,” but I invite, I choose, because it is truly wholesome and beautiful.
This, for me, is the essence of what I’ve wanted to convey to you this year, the importance of not getting rid of anything. Hold it in the hand, the hand open, ready to release it when it wants to fly away. But meanwhile you, who are holding the hand open, the armor, the anger, the fear reverberating in the hand, where is the heart? Can you rest in that beautiful spaciousness even while the body is still shaking from fear, anger, or whatever? Nothing to get rid of.
(reading)
Always,
you must be aware that
this is your choice,
to continue to act in those ways which practice fear
and solidify the small self,
or to choose to act and seek
in the ways that express the true Self.
What is your choice?
What is your highest priority?
To dream the impossible dream… I will not inflict my singing voice on you.
Does that offer enough statement about doubt?
Q: When you say “nothing to get rid of” and when you talk about handling doubt, the ways of handling doubt, I’m realizing that the vast majority of my time is spent trying to fix rather than look to the positive and make it larger. I don’t want to put a percentage to that…
Aaron: Doubt will arise until it’s finished. Then it is done, for that area of doubt at least. I’m thinking here of the experience that Barbara and Hal have had several times in their lives when they’ve brought home a new puppy. The first night, the puppy cries. It’s hard to sleep. The puppy is crying, whining. It misses its litter mates, its mother. It’s afraid. It’s fine to go across the room to the crate where the puppy is sleeping and soothe it and pat it. But you’re not going to take it onto your bed, or the next 12 years you’re going to have a dog in your bed. You don’t become afraid of the whining puppy, you don’t give in to its whining, but you do keep going and reassuring it. You know it’s crying because it’s lonely and afraid. It’s never spent a night alone before. And although you are across the room, it doesn’t have contact with you, and it doesn’t yet know you or trust you. So, you comfort it, and then you go back and get in bed. Periodically when it cries you might say, “It’s okay. Now be quiet. Shhh….” to comfort it. If it keeps whining, you may have to just let it whine. I said a puppy, but it’s no different than a child who just wants attention. “It’s 2am and I’m up and I’ve been fed and my diaper is dry, but I want to play!” No. It’s very hard to tune out, but you know you can tell the difference between a cry of distress and a cry of just frustration, “I’m not getting what I want.” Well, the ego is saying, “I’m not getting what I want.” “Shh, go go sleep.” That’s taking care of, not catering to.
When you take care of the need in that way, you know the puppy or the crying baby are safe. You’ve gone in and checked the baby. You’ve fed the baby and put it back to bed. It has dry diapers, it’s not in pain, it doesn’t have a fever, it just is not getting what it wants. So, to the ego, “Shh. It’s 2am, now go to sleep.”
We say that from the place, this One Who Knows. The one who knows the puppy is safe, the baby is safe, the fearful ego is safe, and right there, where is love? You know what the heart of love feels like, the heart that trusts, that can rest in expansion, in joy, in gratitude— “Thank you.” Gradually the focus shifts from the one who is afraid to the One Who Knows. Which one has the power? If the one who is afraid has the power, instead of trying to shut it down, try to shift the attention to the One Who Knows, which you do know how to access, all of you do.
So unless there are further questions, I’m going to return the body to Barbara and let the class have some further discussion, feedback on what’s happening in your practice, what happened for you on the retreat, what happens with your efforts to come back to the spacious heart, how you best do that.
Q: I think you just answered my question… I wanted to ask (inaudible) how do you not pick up someone else’s energy?
Aaron: How do you not pick up negative energy. Clear comprehension of purpose comes to mind. If I’m picking up this person’s energy, is that suitable to my highest purpose? If my highest purpose is to be of service to others, to take care of myself, to remain loving and spacious, then my choice is not to pick up this energy. If I’m picking it up, at some level it’s because I have chosen to pick it up. Why would I do that? Then begin to ask that question, what old habitual pattern is happening here that leads me to pick up and reverberate with somebody else’s negative energy rather than trusting and resting in my own clear, still energy?
(inaudible comment, something about relieving suffering)
To relieve their suffering? How can you relieve somebody’s suffering by picking up their negative energy?
(Pause while Aaron returns the body to Barbara.)
Barbara: It’s something so many of us do when we’re well-intentioned and really want to help people. It doesn’t help them, and it hurts us. There are much more skillful ways to help people who are experiencing strong negativity. For me, when I feel the sense of somebody’s distress or negative energy, not fear but love says no, I do not choose to bring this into myself, because it diminishes me. I hold my heart open with love, able to hear, almost like tonglen, to hear and feel their negative energy, their fear, their sadness, breathe it in and release it. Just to hear them. But I ask spirit, I ask Aaron, I ask Jeshua and the Mother to help create a boundary so that that negative energy doesn’t pour into me, and to help me release anything that does stick to me.
After I’ve been with somebody with a lot of negative energy I always meditate and look for anything that may have stuck to me. It’s like washing your hands after you’ve been with somebody with a bad cold. I don’t want to pick up the germs. It’s not that, “Oh, this is bad!”, just, I do not choose to absorb this into myself. And if I find myself doing it, I just ask, what is this about? There’s always a reason why I am doing it, and it’s usually a fear-based reason. Sometimes, though, it’s just very old habit energy. What is this about? If it’s habit energy, no, I do not choose to do this. Right here with this habitual pattern to bring this fear into myself, this negativity, this sorrow, where is that which knows that it can rest in the light?
(continues with group sharing)