Barbara’s Experiences of Non-Separation (Letter to Class)

January 5, 2020 Sunday, Letter to Dharma Path III Class

Barbara’s Stories of Non-Separation

For the upcoming Dharma Path weekend

Dear Dharma Path friends,

I’ve been talking a lot with Aaron and we have a full weekend planned. We’ll do some preliminary talking about it in class on Tuesday. There is some meditative preparation we’d like you to do. Two parts:

1) Find a place of true light in yourself, a memory of something that has happened to you, something you did or experienced, where there was truly no contraction. Looking back through the years, I find several of these experiences. For me, one was nursing my babies, just holding them with love, nourishment from my body sustaining them, no ulterior motives, just the outpouring of love. These are moments when I knew I was “enough”.

Another memory. I was in a foreign country, walking by a river, my first day there. I had water, a hard roll and an apple in my bag for my lunch; no place I had to be; nothing to do. I saw people, but as part of the landscape, not as individuals, and really didn’t focus on them at all. After several hours, I sat down on a bench and pulled out my simple meal. Before I could begin to eat, a little girl approached holding out her hands. I saw she was very shabbily dressed and very thin. Looking past her, I saw what I guessed was her mother sitting on a bench, holding a younger child and a baby. The mother met my eyes, unashamed. The girl came closer, still holding out her hands. A similar experience had happened to me elsewhere, and had felt manipulative; this didn’t, it felt genuine. There was no “story” in my mind, and no one “saving” another. The heart just opened and moved. I handed her the apple and tore off 2/3 of the bread for her. She ran back to her mother, and the whole family began to eat. Again, no story, “Oh, I saved them,” just joy and complete ease. Obviously, this is why I had brought that lunch. I’d get food later. It’s one of the times in my life I can remember where there was no questioning of motivation, no sense of giver or receiver.

A third memory; I was at Gallup park when a very little boy fell from his bike near me. I didn’t see an adult near, though he was small enough that there would have been. I did pause. For a moment the thought came that I didn’t want to be accused of acting in a harmful way. But he was crying, and no one came to help him, so I went to him and sat down. I saw his skinned knees, but he didn’t look like anything was broken (he was moving all his arms, legs and head) so I just gathered him into a hug and spoke to him soothingly. In some way, he was me, crying for all the hurt in the world, and I was “nobody”, just the arms of lovingkindness addressing that pain. Again, there was no story, really no self, just the arms of love. It must have been 4 or 5 minutes before a parent appeared, carrying a much smaller child, dragging a bike with training wheels and trying to run. She sat down too, the boy climbed from my lap to hers, and she smiled at me. That was it. But it was a very pure moment of living that emptiness and love that I truly am, no doubts, no self-accusations, no stories, no armor.

2) Let’s go to the other end, the times where the ego is spinning stories and the heart is armored. This is part 2 of the assignment, what and where is the armor now? What is it about? What melts it away?

I’m 77 years old. I have done a lot of growing in the past 50 years. It was a hard-won victory but now-a-days I seldom experience shame, feelings of unworthiness, strong greed, doubt, confusion or anger. Of course, these come, but not so strong and easily seen for what they are, just residual fear; humanness! So I was feeling pretty at ease, a kind of “ahh, now I can relax!”

For the past year so many people have given so generously to help me and Hal, when our money was gone (paid out to his $14,000 / month nursing home, pre-Medicaid, and to many medical expenses) and paid with the need to have less than $2000 to our names for him to get on Medicaid. That meant there was no money left for his Care Team and therapies, which are literally needed to keep him alive but not covered by insurance. He gets only custodial care at the nursing home. As people gave so generously, there were often notes thanking me and Hal too, for all we have done for them. Two examples:

I would like to give you xxx. You have helped so many people and I want to unburden you and help in Hal’s recovery like so many others are doing.

Your teaching and channeling of Aaron has truly been life-saving for me. You have opened so many doors. This gift cannot begin to thank you….

Of course, I truly welcomed the gifts, but often didn’t fully allow in the words. I wasn’t aware of any shame or discomfort, just let the words wash off, didn’t take them into my heart.

Over Christmas I watched, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life”. You probably have seen it. I may be the only person in the US who had never seen it! The hero has dreams to do big things, but life interferes and he does what he has to for his family, his loved ones, and never attains those big dreams. He feels like a failure. What has his life meant? At the end he discovers how much others really love him.

Watching these final scenes, seeing him receiving the gifts others gave out of love, loosened some ancient armoring, a very thin layer, but there none-the-less. I saw my resistance to opening my heart and fully receiving the love of others. I saw how I felt like a fraud: “I’m not fully enlightened; I still feel anger etc.; I still get caught… If they knew, they wouldn’t love me…” I know this isn’t true; it’s just the power of the ancient myth of unworthiness coming through in yet another way.

Something let go then, and I just began to cry; I felt the old layers of thin armor melt away. How many more layers are there? I don’t know. But this made a big dent in “fraud,” in “need to be perfect to be lovable. I began to reread all the beautiful notes that came in the last month and was able to really allow in all that love.

What is the nature of your armor? Is a keyword, ‘fraud” as it was with me? Is it ‘unlovable’? ‘Not good enough’? ‘Unworthy’? Is it about shame? Does it involve self-judgment? Does it revolve around old anger or fear? We are so hard on ourselves.

What helps these old negative self-myths dissolve?

What happens when you open to that aspect of the self we looked at on page 1?

What practices help support the opening heart? Let your heart answer, not the brain,

Please consider these questions deeply for this coming weekend. We’ll use these reflections as a starting place. A lot of the weekend will involve guided meditations.

Please be in touch with your dharma buddy this week. At some time during the weekend, maybe ½ hour each day, I will ask the dharma buddies to talk together, by phone or Skype, then return to the group and intensive. Please plan how you will most easily do that. Alternately, if we are logistically able, the 4 small groups will meet together during the intensive for ½ hr to an hour, for sharing. I’ll be working on if & how we can do that. It may be impossible with some of you here live and some on-line. In that case, we’ll just go with the Dharma Buddy plan.

I look forward to talking to you Tuesday night.

With love, Barbara