Discussion of Cross-Talk; Is There Any Ultimate Darkness?; Sacred Darkness Meditation in the Dark Cave, and Sharing

February 16, 2021 Tuesday Evening, Dharma Path III Class

Discussion of Cross-Talk; Is There Any Ultimate Darkness?; Sacred Darkness Meditation in the Dark Cave, and Sharing

Barbara: …(speaking about the small groups) People are sharing in very deep ways. Some of that sharing is challenging for people, to really allow themselves to be seen that deeply.

It’s important that there not be any cross-talk, that is somebody say, “I felt shame when this happened,” somebody else doesn’t jump in and say, “Oh, have you done this about the shame? Have you responded in this or that way?” That can make people pull back. It can cause people to feel very uncomfortable.

What John and I usually do in a small group is, if somebody is talking about a specific topic like working with an experience of darkness, that would be appropriate to what we’re doing now, going into that darkness—we’re talking about finding the light in the darkness, but first, for some people at this point, they’re finding just devastating darkness—how do I deal with that? Different topics come up—shame, fear, unworthiness, grief. What John and I have been doing is asking that small group, after Person A has finished talking, “Is there anybody for whom this resonates who would like to speak next and share your experience of this?” Can you see how that is different than turning to the person who has just spoken and telling them what to do, or even suggesting, “You could do this…” I know it’s meant in a spirit of helpfulness, but it’s important that we not do that in the small groups.

It’s possible that John or I could ask the person who just spoke, “Do you want others’ thoughts about what you just said?” Or the speaker can say, “I would love feedback”, inviting it. But this can be hard, because some people will find it uncomfortable to say no, but they really are not ready to hear other people’s thoughts. They can hear other people’s thoughts about their own similar experience, and that can be a powerful teacher.

So let’s be very sure we follow this guideline in the small groups. John, do you want to add anything to that?

(The first two minutes of John’s reply are not recorded.)

John: … own perspective, rather than cross-talking to somebody else. It’s just a safer way to share, so that a person doesn’t feel like they’re being put on the spot by somebody else and feeing uncomfortable about that, and then being reluctant to share as a result of that vulnerability.

So it’s just something that we needed to bring up at this point of Dharma Path. Just to bring a little more consciousness and sensitivity to the whole cross-talking, which in different kinds of meetings is not encouraged. For example, in 12-Step programs people don’t cross-talk. It allows everybody to feel safe in being able to share whatever it is they want to share without feeling like somebody is going to respond to that, or react to that in some way. There’s a sense of safety in the sharing. And that’s primarily what we’re speaking about here. Does anybody have any questions about this, while we’re together?

Barbara: John, I’d like you to define “cross-talk”.

John: Cross-talk is, for example, if I’m experiencing, say, unworthiness or anger, and I’m expressing to the group that this is what I’m experiencing—I had a hard day the other day; I felt very angry; the anger stayed with me for some time—that kind of sharing in a group, and then somebody else in the group says, for example, “Well, do you know what’s underneath the anger? Is there fear that’s underneath the anger?” Or, “I know how you feel. I also have been feeling that, and this is what I have done in relationship to that anger.”

So, one person is making a statement about what it is that they’re experiencing, and then somebody is cross-talking in terms of talking directly to that person in terms of what they said in a way in which the person who is initially speaking needs to receive whatever it is that this other person is saying, the person who is cross-talking to them.

That has created some problems in the groups, here, so we feel liked we needed to address that, because people relate to this in some different ways. And one way that people relate to being cross-talked to is that they withdraw and don’t really want to be in the group, or they express whatever it is that they feel like they need to express in the context of the group.

Now, these groups have been wonderful, in terms of there’s been a lot of sharing and flow that happens. And most people don’t mind if somebody else suggests something to them, but some people do. So it’s especially for those people that it’s important that we have some kind of sensitivity and structure around this so that they feel safe in being in the group and sharing whatever it is they need to share.

Does that make sense? Do people understand what cross-talking is? Does anybody not understand what that is? It’s pretty obvious.

Barbara: So, when somebody has said, “I was feeling a lot of anger and shame about the anger, and I worked with it this way in my practice. I’m still feeling it a lot, though, but this was my experience,” and then a pause, and somebody else might say, “I’d like to go next because what so-and-so said really resonates with me. Similar to this, my experience has been this, and this is how I’ve worked with it.” Then Person One can learn by hearing how Person Two worked with it, and Person Two can learn from hearing how Person One worked with it. But neither is telling the other, “Oh, it’s because of this, and this is what you should do.” That’s the big difference.

John: Another difference is that if we can stick to “what I am experiencing” rather than “what you are experiencing”. That usually works much better in terms of the dynamic of the group.

So for example, in 12-Step programs people don’t use the words “you” or “we”. When they’re speaking, they use the word “I”. So they’re speaking from first person rather than saying “you” or even “we”, in the sense of everybody, because it may not include everybody. Not everybody in the group may be experiencing the same thing, or looking at things the same way as the person who is speaking is at that moment. So the more that we can stay more to the “I” and what “I” am experiencing, usually it works out better in terms of, a clearer boundary in terms of who is speaking and also how other people are relating to that person who is speaking. Giving the person the space to express whatever it is they need to express, and then, you know, leave it at that.

Barbara: I think everybody is clear about this, but let’s ask: are there any questions about what we said, before we move on?

It looks like we’re finished with that topic. These small groups are so powerful, and we want to ensure they continue to remain so for everybody.

Okay, my turn.

(Recording accidentally turns off for an unknown amount of time. Following are some reconstructed notes from the Otter auto-transcriber on Zoom (thank you, Debra), which may not reflect what was actually spoken.)

I’ve heard from a number of you in the past week who have had some strong experiences of darkness, asking questions about darkness. One person asked, is there such a thing as perfect darkness? Another asked, does darkness have an ultimate reality, like light? Different related questions. Many of you have done amazingly deep work with this, and I really want to offer a bow.

I want to share an experience I had this morning as part of what I’m learning about the non-duality of light and darkness and then bring Aaron for a guided meditation. Then some sharing and discussion, questions.

I’m generally pretty relaxed these days about what’s happening in my life. Sometimes everything is easier, sometimes it’s hard.

We had a beautiful snowfall. I love snow. There were maybe 8″ of snow out my door.

I woke up about 6:45am and was going to go back to sleep, and thought, “Oh, wait until Hal’s caregiver gets here,” just to make sure she gets here before I sleep more.

So, 7:38am. Finally (she is due at 7:00) I called her, and she said, “My car is off the road in a snowdrift. I’m trying to get a truck to get me out.”

I called three other caregivers. One of them said, “I’m an hour away at my dad’s house, but I’ll try to come if I can get my car out and then drive, probably take two hours.”

One of our major caregivers emailed me yesterday with a picture of him riding in the back of an ambulance and said, “They’re taking me to the hospital.” I finally was able to reach him. He had been in severe back pain and gone to one of those smaller emergency sites, where they stabilized him, but they didn’t know what was causing the pain and were sending him to the hospital.

What am I going to do?

Now …. Hal is laying in the bed and I have to move his feet, with one hand on the side of the bed and the other hand goes under his neck. It’s not easy with my muscles and back, but I can do it. And then I have to get him in the standing position while I get his pajamas off that he wears at night. Wash him, bathe him while sitting on the bed. Get him dressed in clean clothes. Get him standing up and transferred into his wheelchair.

“What am I going to do? I can’t do this.” And it wasn’t just fear, it was a feeling of helplessness and hating that feeling, not being safe; not being in control.

.

I could feel how I had been holing such fear inside of me for months, probably since Hal came home. Next month it’s a year since we brought Hal home, so for 11 months I’ve been holding this tension. Can I keep him safe? How will I do this? It'[s not just the physical safety, but covering the expense, planning for meals and caregivers… all of it. Feeling the weight on me, and also a belief that I shouldn’t mind that I have to take care of him. Just all the things that were bringing me into darkness.

I had not been willing to look at what I was pushing aside with that, “Yeah, I can do this,” and “Everything’s under control,” avoiding feeling the enormous pain and responsibility and frustration because I’m no longer who I was 20 years ago, who would have been able to do that better. So, there was a deep experience of darkness. I was holding myself out of my heart.

I was sitting right here at my desk. This was after talking to the one who could not come in and to three others. They were going to try, but didn’t see much possibility digging their own cars out.

What am I going to do? Tears were flowing, and I could feel how much I hated feeling helpless.

Aaron said, “What is the darkness?” I could see that the darkness was really about the whole human condition. No matter what I do, I’m not going get out of this alive! I’m not going to be able to take care of everything perfectly. Just that, really existential, rage.

I had to allow myself to be present with those feelings of vulnerability. How, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really make everything right for ourselves or others. So, I was able to look closer than I’ve been able to at this darkness. I’d been negotiating with the darkness, trying to bargain…, if I’m present and acknowledge the darkness and then turn toward my strength, can I bypass it, just kind of push the darkness back. My, “I can do it,” was more strength of will. I was striving to break through the darkness, to hold onto that light, rather than really knowing the non-duality of light and dark.

(returning to transcript from recording)

Realizing it had not recorded…Something out there doesn’t really want me to talk about the power of love and of light!

So, I sat here. I have this alarm (showing it) , it’s Hal’s nighttime alarm. At night it’s in bed with me. In the daytime it comes out here. You can see it light up. When he presses the button his bed I know he’s awake and calling me. There’s a little vibrating disk also, so I can close my eyes knowing it will get me if he needs me.

I sat in front of the altar there, meditating. What is darkness? The whole question. Does it have any—how do I best phrase it…not so much is it solid…does it have anything about it that is truly separate from the Unconditioned? Is darkness always an expression of conditions? If it is always an expression of conditions, how can it be non-dual with light? What is darkness? I just kept asking myself. Not, what is this fear about or that attitude, but what is darkness itself?

I could feel the sense of contraction that is darkness—that’s part of the definition of darkness. Seeming absence of light—in other words, there’s a light but I cannot experience the light in that darkness because it feels so dense and contracted.

So just meditating, again, with the question: If light and darkness are non-dual, that means somewhere there’s just a pinprick of light. Whether it’s in me or out there is meaningless, since there is no within me or out there as separate. Where is the light in this moment?

The thing that helped me next was gratitude. Right here in this moment, feeling the overwhelm of this past 3 years, really, and especially of this very challenging year taking care of Hal at home. Do I wish he had died 3 years ago? Truly, genuine, honest answer: No. I don’t wish that. But I have been carrying him and it’s heavy.

What do I get, not just receiving but what do I get by giving, what do I receive through his being alive right now? The tenderness. When I go in in the morning and he’s lying in bed, and he smiles and reaches his arm up as soon as I bend over the bed and pulls me into a big hug and smiles at me and looks in my eyes. This is how we’ve been for 55 years. He’s very much there. He loves me, and I love him. And it’s not just, “I love him, he loves me,” but the radiance and true joy of that love.

A reflection on probably many, many lifetimes of karma, where we have each taken care of the other, sometimes with an openhearted generosity and sometimes with an “I should, and I’ll do it, but…” The healing of this karma. It’s helping me to heal any sense of separation and stinginess and limitation in myself through calling forth the power of love. I know it has helped him in the same ways.?

Gratitude. Just sitting here, “Thank you for this opportunity for the heart to open. Thank you for the opportunity to remember the true power of the loving, awakened heart.”

This brought in not a candle but an inner radiance, remembering, “I am light. I am love.” Not needing a separate candle to hold—”I am that.” Where is this essence of me? Can I touch upon it deep within myself? What does it feel like?

It led me into memories and also not so much memory but whole mind/body/spirit memory—not something I define in words, but deep presence of times when my heart has been truly open, and how it felt to live with that truly open heart. I am that. I am that open heart. I am the light that shines in the darkness throughout the whole universe. And then the very clear, not conceptual insight but very profound knowing: There is no ultimate darkness. No matter how far we go into the darkness, this light is within us, IS us.

Now, I know people will say, “Well, maybe the darkness is us, and we bring in some light.” But I know from my meditation experience that light—I’m using the word ‘light’ but I don’t necessarily mean it as a candle light, but this whole heartfelt energy of love—that this is an ultimate reality. In the deepest meditation experiences, that’s all that exists. Everything—the physical body, the mental body—have all dissolved. The ego has dissolved. There’s nothing there but this presence that is light, that is love. And it’s everywhere. It’s not me or mine.

So I know from experiences of this, what might be called awakening experiences, that when I open to that place where the whole body and ego dissolve, all that remains is—it’s so hard to put a label on it, but the expressions of it are light and love, openness and non-constriction, spaciousness. Complete interconnection with all that is. No duality.

I know this is an ultimate reality. And I know that when I constrict into a place of fear or darkness, I lose that sense of connection with all that is. There is the arising of conditions that block out the non-dual experience and the light and the love. Many of you have had similar kinds of meditation experiences—you know what I’m talking about.

I understand this is where we need to go. That we find this radiance within ourselves, not because we should, not as something conditioned that we begin to find, but because we break through all of the conditions and come to the core of this innate, “I am that. I am love. I am light.”—expressions of the Unconditioned, non-dual with the Unconditioned. That doesn’t mean that contraction and fear and darkness will not be there, but they have no ultimate reality.

I’m laughing, here. I said to Aaron, “I don’t know what I’m going to say tonight.” He said, “Don’t worry, I’m leading the class. I’ll channel what we need to say.”

Yeah, thanks, Aaron! So let me finish up here so he can come in. He knows what we need to say. I guess I did, too.

This direct experience of non-duality leads us to knowing the light within the darkness and that the light is unconditioned and eternal. The darkness is arisen from conditions and will pass away. And yet, because we live in this non-dual world there is negative polarity and positivity polarity. There is light and darkness. There is contraction and expansion. In this heavy density earth plane we can’t deny the contraction, fear, anger, and so forth, only to remember these have no ultimate reality, and yet are powerful and big and terrifying. And my only answer to it can be, “I am the light. I choose to express that light in the darkness.” And then there’s so much light coming through.

The light begins to overcome the darkness. Not that the darkness is gone; the darkness is clearly seen as something with no ultimate reality. And we really hold ourselves into the heart of that ultimate reality of love. Personally, I’m convinced that this is the love that is going to shift this world into a higher density; going to teach us, whether it’s this year or decade or in a thousand years, whenever it will be, to teach us all that it’s possible to create a world of love. I have to do that within myself.

So that was my experience this morning. It was tough, but I’m grateful for it. Just as I was finishing that meditation and coming back to the thought an hour later, “Hal has not buzzed me. He’s still asleep. So what am I going to do? Okay, whatever I have to do, I’ll do. I can take care of it.” I could always just climb up in bed with him and read a story to him, snuggle up and read a book….

Just then the phone rang, and the morning caregiver said the tow truck had just gotten her out and she’d be here in about 20 minutes. Light will prevail! Whether it’s climbing in bed with him and reading a book or having his caregiver come. She got here and 10 minutes later he woke up and wanted to be gotten up.

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”

Have you read in Path of Clear Light Aaron’s story of being in the cave? Candles had burnt out. Finding the light emerging from himself. Have you read that?

(Barbara reads from pages 85-86 of Path of Clear Light.)

In a lifetime long ago, I had need to walk with friends

through a large cave labyrinth under a towering mountain range.

This was our route to freedom

from terrible religious persecution.

I had walked it before and led others to safety.

Many days in, one man’s injury delayed us.

Then our torches began to fail and our food and water ran out.

We had thought we would be through and safe by then,

but certainly we were lost, and perhaps doomed.

As the last torch died, my companions were in despair.

They lay down in the dark, on the damp, cold cave floor, as did I.

Imagine water flowing freely through a garden hose.

If you squeeze or kink the hose, water cannot flow.

Fear, anger, and despair close the energy field

so the inner light cannot shine out.

I began to meditate, not on doom but on love,

experiencing the joy and gratitude for the life I had lived.

There was sadness that this life might end.

But I was able to open my heart compassionately to myself,

so the sadness itself was joined with joy,

and my entire energy field opened.

After a time, my companions awakened

and were startled by a soft, radiant light.

They came toward me, no longer stumbling in darkness,

but seeing their surroundings clearly.

“What is this Light?”

It was new to me, too,

though I had heard the stories of it

in my years of spiritual practice.

It radiated out from me, and even the cave walls shined with it.

This is the Clear Light within me and within you.”

I began to teach my brothers there, with guided meditations.
Within a day, most were expressing at least some light,

and all understood

that only their fear and anger blocked it,

that expressing Light was natural.

In three days we emerged, free men,

and all able to hold that clear light in our new land.

What is this “Clear Light”?

It is our innate radiance,

a sign of the Unconditioned.

It is the basis

and essence of all created things.

If you have been practicing with me

through your reading of this book,

you have seen glimpses of the Clear Light

in the sky, the trees, the rain,

and in the faces of your sisters and brothers.

Often you see only darkness,

because you live like the kinked hose.

Fear holds you contracted.

Old habits hold you contracted.

This is not your natural state.

When you invite yourself to open fully,

aware of contraction,

and with intention

to move your attention from fixation on contraction,

and trying to fix contraction,

to the ever-present spaciousness,

you begin to live that spaciousness.

Then the Clear Light becomes increasingly visible.

I think of the one learning to ride a bicycle.

At first there is tension.

The effort is placed on not falling.

There is little awareness of natural balance.

Gradually the learner begins to feel that balance.

Attention rests on the ease and joy of natural balance.

Then the riding becomes effortless and joyful.

The question is not “Where is the Light?”

but “What blocks the Light?”

Please consider a light bulb

wrapped in many layers of felt.

The bulb’s light will shine through thin felt,

but with enough layers,

the bulb’s light is hidden

and all appears dark.

When negative thought arises in the human,

and is met with more negative thought,

met with aversion,

met with fear-based intention

to push away negativity,

each layer of thought

adds a further coating of felt,

and the true light within becomes more hidden.

It is time to allow it to reveal itself!

Allow me to teach you this practice

as I taught it to my companions.

*****

Aaron: My blessings and love to you all. I am Aaron. Please move yourselves into a comfortable position.

Each of your dark caves is unique, not only to you but unique from moment to moment, also. Sometimes it is composed largely of fear, of anger, of grief, of regrets, of shame, of powerlessness—feelings of powerlessness; you are never really powerless—or of a mix of these and other areas of heaviness, the dark felt around the lightbulb.

When these experiences are frequent and heavy enough with you, you begin to think of yourself as this dark felt form, you forget the light. And because you are enshrouded with this dark felt, you not only lose connection with the light within but with light outside, which are truly one light. You lose it. The experiences keep spiraling down, pulling you deeper into negativity.

The first thing that can help is mindfulness, here, as with Barbara this morning. She did not get caught in these stories for long; she was able to say, “Black felt. Black felt attack!” The one who experiences oneself as bound in darkness, that awareness is not bound in darkness, it is just watching that experience.

We have all come together here to this cave. There are 45 of you. We come into the cave mouth. We have no torches or external light. We do have very strong, something akin to your fishing line, very lightweight but very unbreakable. Each of you has one end of that tied firmly around your own waist—a long piece, maybe over 200 yards. It’s tied back, connected to me. I have all of these 45 threads in my hand and though these, you are connected, you have ultimate safety. Nevertheless, what you meet in the darkness is a genuine experience. Not an ultimate experience but a genuine experience, and may be very frightening, even dangerous to your physical human being. That I am holding these cords does not guarantee you safety or ease, only that you cannot truly get lost in the cave. I want you to have that confidence.

Let us all pause for a moment here in this large vestibule at the furthest back reach of it, where the light is almost nonexistent. Around you, hear the cries of people saying, “Help me! Help me! I’m injured. I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I’m cold. I’m lost. Help me!”

All of you coming together, holding hands and raising with clarity the intention to do what you can to help those who are lost in the cave. Not “I should help” but “I choose to, out of love.” That beautiful song that you sing:

Here I am, Lord.

Is it I, Lord?

I have heard you calling in the night.

I will go, Lord, if you lead me.

I will hold your people in my heart.

Willing to let go of physical contact with the group, except for this thin filament of fishing-line, simply to walk. But how can you walk? Won’t you stumble over things every minute? Mightn’t you fall into a deep abyss? How can you walk?

Each of you going in your own direction, hearing the cries for help and feeling your heart’s intention to be of service, to be used by love to help, to support. Go as many steps as you feel comfortable into the deep darkness, and then stop and stand or sit down, as you choose.

Bring awareness to any fear. Bring awareness to any thought, “I should be able to do this,” or, “I should not be afraid.” Is that so? Simply, here is fear. Here is the sense, “I should,” that old belief.

Close your eyes. Put your hands over your heart and offer the intention, “Here I am, Lord. I choose to be of service in whatever way is appropriate. But I do not function so well, do not walk so well in darkness. Please help me connect to the true radiance that is within me.”

Remember, these cords are very long. You may have gone each to the far ends of your cords and down passageways, so you cannot see each other’s light. Here you are, holding this thin thread of connection and yet alone.

Begin with your deep intention, “I consecrate this mind, body, and spirit to the light and to service to all beings, for the highest good.”

The cries continue around you. “Help me! Help me!’ Anguished cries. Not you as the ego but love is what can be of help. And it is from that space of love that the light can express.

If you feel you have been bound in that heavy felt, you can ask yourself, what is the nature of this heavy coating over my heart? Is it fear? Is it the ego? Is it the will that says, “I will do this.”? Where is the tender and loving heart? “I choose to take the next steps from that heart.”

Allow yourself to see some of the deepest places of pain, the places where you felt you were not good enough, could not love well enough, were inadequate, felt ashamed, believed in old limits. Take these lovingly in your hands, these old beliefs you have carried, and find the loving heart that is able to say, “No. I choose not to carry this heavy black mass of doubt, of fear, of anger, of ego. I choose not to carry it anymore.”

Feel it binding your heart and literally reach in and remove it. Just pull it out and let it go. You can literally do this, reaching your fingers to the heart center, pulling this out and releasing. “I let it go. For the highest good of all beings, I choose to no longer carry this belief of limitation and darkness. I choose to know my own light, this part of the divine light. I pledge that light to the highest service of all beings.”

For each of you, sit for as long as you need until you begin to feel some loosening of the armoring around the heart and begin to experience some light coming out. When you do so, at that point in your meditation—you don’t have to literally open your eyes, but experience it as if the eyes were open and you begin to see and feel your radiance. See it shining at whoever is calling for help in front of you—another being or even yourself. Draw that being into your light. Finally, take your cord and follow it, using your light to avoid obstacles, and return to the cave mouth, where I shall be waiting.

I’m going to give you about 15 minutes to do this, so you’ll be silent for that time.

Do remember that I am always with you, as is your higher self. Do remember that you are safe. And while it may be hard to release this armoring, it is possible, and the rewards are manifold; beautiful and rich. I will be here. If you need me, call for me.

(sitting; bell, bell, bell)

Barbara: We’ll open the floor now for sharing and discussion…

Q: I just wanted to say that my dad had a stroke this morning. They don’t know yet if he can swallow. I’m glad I was here with everyone tonight and that I can send all my light to my dad. Thank you for your love.

Barbara: I’m so sorry to hear this, Q. Please feel all our love with you and with your dad. Our prayers are there for him, prayers for his highest good and your highest good, with love. (Q: Thank you.)

Please share anything that you would like to—your experience with the meditation, questions that you have, anything…

Q: The experience was, I took off all the armor of my heart and I sent every bit of light and love to him for high highest good, so that he could do whatever he wanted to do—to leave or to stay. Whatever he wants I want for him, and so I’m really grateful I could do that with all of you guys, because it’s a little overwhelming. But I felt so close to him when I was doing that meditation. And I know he loves me, and I know he knows that I love him…. I just don’t want him to leave yet, but I want what is for the highest good for him, whatever it is. And I’m grateful to the group tonight and to share. Thank you all very much…

Barbara: (offering understanding and to meet privately) Others who would like to share? Did anyone find that experience of light coming through at all? If not, what was the darkness like? How did you experience that?

Q: I bought a Christmas tree this past Christmas that’s all white and it has white lights, and when I look at that tree I started to feel its glow. It reminds me of the glow in me. So, I didn’t put it away, it’s still up. I want to get more serious about practicing with that tree, the glowing part. So, in this meditation I pulled that forth, that little glow thing. It didn’t lead anyplace directly, but I did manifest light.

So, there was light, but then some little contracted, sorry part of me would come up. So, what was good for me was saying, “That little sorry part is there, but the light is still there.” So, I practiced that with more and more things, that they’re simultaneous. That’s good for me to know because normally in life I focus so much on the sorry part that I don’t see the light. There’s more to it than that, but I think that’s the most important part for me.

Barbara: Thank you, Q.

Q: I have been having an experience in daily meditation and at times during the day ever since my experience with the healing intervention a couple of weeks ago or so. In this guided meditation I followed my string deep into the cave and down into a channel away from anyone else, as instructed. I then went to go deep and to experience the darkness around me. Immediately I experienced the effect that I experienced from the intervention and that I experience in practice ongoing, where from the bottom of my neck from my throat to the bottom of my torso, and I experience—the image is the torso being completely empty energetically and being filled with light.

I thought during the meditation just today, now, that I’m supposed to be experiencing darkness and fear. That did not occur. I was not able to make that happen. I was only able to experience this space of light. And the light that has been in this area since the intervention has been a quiet light, not a big glowing light. I’ve worked with that over the days and practiced with moving more light into the area. Practiced with going into what I call dark pockets in my storage area, which has to do with karmic things in my life and such.

Right now what I experienced was more light than usual in this space. And then suddenly, while I was just being with that in the cave, I experienced this sudden “oooff” like light filling my head, my whole entire head. And suddenly, I felt that my head was almost weightless. I suddenly had this awareness that, “Oh, this is what they mean when they talk about light.”

And then it occurred to me that there’s this emanation, this glow coming from within which is actually fed, the divine light coming through the crown. But I never before experienced anything like this light and radiance in filling the head. So I turned and walked, followed my string out of the cave and back to Aaron. That was my experience. Thank you.

Barbara: Thank you, Q. I want to make it clear to people. Q’s experience sounds beautiful. And for some of us who might say, “Well, why didn’t that happen to me?” Or Q said he did not experience darkness tonight, there’s nothing that you “should” experience. We want to be with whatever is a genuine experience. Can we simply be present with it? Where there is light, sometimes there’s going to be darkness. Where there’s darkness, sometimes there will be light. Just be present and watch what’s happening. When there’s light, know there is light. When there’s darkness, know the experience of darkness without getting caught up in the stories. And in this way, we learn.

Thank you for what you shared, Q—it sounds beautiful.

(Same) Q: Barbara, thank you for that, because I was a little confused that I was not experiencing darkness. I’ve been working with putting light into the dark pockets in my ‘catalogue’ for a couple of weeks now. So I’ve paying a great deal of attention to the sacred darkness within my story. So this experience today was most confusing for me because there was no darkness. So thank you for your description, explanation, there.

Barbara: You’re welcome. Many of you have had Chinese food with sweet and sour sauce, sweet and sour pork or vegetables or similar. You taste it and you say, “Oh, it’s sweet!” Or you might taste it another day and say, “Oh, it’s sour!” Can you taste the sweet and the sour at the same time? One will probably be predominant. In your practice begin to know both. This is where we come to the non-duality experience.

I think we have time for one more person to share…

Q: I sat in darkness and started to cry, physically, with no content, just tears running down my face. And then out of the darkness came maybe a version of myself that was probably about 2 or 3, that just felt really (like the) emanation of lack of love. So I went into my heart and was just radiating presence, but I was also really aware in my physical body that I was experiencing a lot of pain in my heart. I was aware of the light and the pain. She just kind of curled up against me. I didn’t want to try to fix her or say anything to her. I just wanted to be present and feel what she was feeling and feel the light.

At a certain point my mother showed up, who has recently had surgery. The surgery may have created a severe scar on her face. And her horror of that just showed up. I just don’t know why I said this, but I just said, “Thank you for forgiving yourself.” And she kind of went into the light. And then all of a I just kept saying, “Thank you for forgiving yourself,” and then all of these beings just kept pouring out of the cave through a hole in the top, like they were being shot out of a canon. Like thousands of beings. And I just kept saying, “Thank you for forgiving yourself. Thank you for forging yourself.” And I just kept emanating that. And I thought, I hope this is okay! I don’t know what’s happening here!

Then I just sort of requested that I have the strength to hold the pain that seems like is arising in me in general, and that I have the strength to stay present. So I had this prayer when you started to do the gong.

And then I left the cave with this little girl. I asked her, “What do you need from me?” And she just said, “Your presence. Your attention. And I need you to slow down.” So that was my experience, most of it.

Barbara: Thank you. I am very moved by that.

There is nothing that anyone “should” experience. But these examples of the open heart are very beautiful. And sometimes the heart doesn’t want to open, and that’s okay too. We sit patiently with it. We trust that at some level it’s already open, and when it’s ready it will reveal that openness, when it feels safe, when we feel ready. No pushing, no pressure, just patience and love.

You’ll receive and audio file of this… The guided meditation will be on File 2. Please practice with it at home. Next week in group, people will have a chance to share their experiences and also to raise their questions.

That’s all. 9 o’clock, so good night, everybody. My love to you.