April 13, 2021 Tuesday Afternoon, Emerald Isle Retreat, Group 3
Working with Unworthiness and Being Seen
(Speaking to some very specific comments, experiences shared, and questions made in the group. This short transcript is taken out of the larger context and discussion that were not recorded.. Aaron has added some words during the review)
Aaron: I am Aaron. So many of you experienced feelings of unworthiness in so many lifetimes. The experiences of unworthiness are one possible result of the experiences of abuse, and it becomes circular. You may act to invite the abuse to confirm the unworthiness for the self. Why confirm unworthiness? If there is already deep anger, and also the thought, “I should not be angry,” a deep shame at feeling anger, and a sense of helplessness to please the adult, what options remain to that child?
Some of you who did act out in negative ways, almost to invite abuse, so as to express the rage at the abuse. I find something for many humans that goes beyond the obvious. There’s a deeper fear that may contribute to some of this, for some of you, and that is the fear of being invisible. The expression of rage does at least make you visible.
You all want to be loved. At some level you want to be seen, even when there is fear of being seen. Some of you had parents who were not really available to you. There was anger—it is very reasonable that for a child there would be anger. There was a deep desire to at least be visible, if not to be loved. Visibility became a form of love for some of you.
In seeking to be visible, one of the things you may have done was—nothing “bad”, but going against the wishes of the adult. “Don’t climb the tree. Don’t soil the clothes. Don’t do this or this or this.” Nothing wrong with those behaviors; they were not negative behaviors in any way. But perhaps for some of you, you recognize, “If I participate in this behavior I’m going to invite anger on myself.” Perhaps this was not a conscious thought, but, “anger brought to me makes me visible”.
Also the thought, “when they are angry at me then I can allow myself to feel anger back at them.” Perhaps, that child felt it should not be angry, but it gives you permission to be angry when someone is beating you. And at least while they are beating you, you are visible!
One more part of this; I think for many of you there is so much deep desire to act in loving ways, to be “good”, to do no harm, to flow with the world around you. But when the world around you strikes out at you, it’s impossible to flow with it. Then you feel increasingly unworthy. But again, at least you are visible. It is almost a strong pull to prove you exist!
I’m simply asking you, if it feels like it fits, to ask yourself, in what way did I act so as to make myself more visible, so as to feel safer in being visible? In what way did the abuse make me at least feel visible, even while I hated it? I’m not just talking about beating, I’m talking about parents not being present, about what seems like a lack of attention or love.
Seeking to be visible, the child may have acted in certain ways that ran against the wishes of the caregiver. The caregiver then reacted with words, with actions. The child felt abused, hurt, afraid, angry, but at least they were visible.
And second, feeling those feelings, feeling those emotions, some of the deep inner anger at feeling invisible was permitted to come out. You couldn’t allow yourself to feel angry at feeling invisible, perhaps, but you could allow the anger during actual abuse.
Try on my words. If they don’t fit, please let them go. But if it fits, acknowledge that it was hard to give yourself permission to feel angry. If you acted in ways that made you more visible, that brought anger to you, then you felt okay about feeling angry back. Yet also ashamed of the intensity of anger.
This whole conundrum of, “If I’m angry I’m further from being loved. But if I’m angry, I’m at least visible. Remember that such need is coming from a young child, who basically just wants to be loved, wants to be safe, wants what every child should receive. But the child was not receiving it; how then, does that child act?
If any of these thoughts fit for you, it may be helpful in meditation to look at visibility and invisibility, wishing to be seen; or wishing to disappear! The group has spoken of fear of dissolution experience in vipassana and pure awareness meditation, where, as you move out into the spaciousness, you may feel you disappear. This is terrifying for the person who wants to be visible—what if I disappear? When such resistance to practice arises, how does it relate to the child who felt so invisible, and both dreaded and wanted that invisibility?
Acknowledge, “I choose to be visible.” But this is the distinction made here between ego and the pure self. Making this pure self to be visible, “I choose to express the radiance of my being, out into the radiance of everything, to become part of that immense radiance.” What bigger and better way to be visible than to be the awareness and the love that you seek? Give yourself permission to be that.
Here we have a number of little psychological detours. Can I give myself permission to be seen? What if they see the “badness” in me, the one who is angry? What if they see the rage in me? I’m terrified to be seen because that anger will show.
So many little convoluted paths. Break through it by simply noting, “I am light. I am love. And I choose to be seen. I choose to connect with the light and the love in the universe. Ahh…” And then just a few minutes of pure awareness. And if there are strong contractions that come up, come back into mindfulness, noting the contraction. Just be present with it.
As contractions ease and fall away, come back. “Ahh… I am light, I am love, I am spaciousness. Ahh… Oh, the light is getting too intense! I am being seen again!”
What are you afraid may be seen, if you are truly seen? Your anger? But your anger is not “yours” but is just anger, the outflow of conditions. It is not bad. You may choose to experience it and not enact it.
(added in review) I have not discussed here at all the experience of fear of the anger, that then turns that anger on the self. It is so terrifying to be angry at the abuser that one then turns to the self, feeling the self to be hopelessly bad, and hence eternally unworthy. This whole move also plays into the visible/ invisible issues. To feel anger does NOT make you bad. It is simply emotion arising from conditions.
These are just a few bits of practice direction that may help some of you. Thank you.