June 18, 2023 Sunday Afternoon, Healing Circle
Invitation to Healing: Barbara on Healing Her Toe
Barbara: Thank you everyone. On the middle toe of the left foot, I have what’s called a hammertoe, which means the toe bends over and the tip of the toe hits the ground. So, for years I’ve had occasional bleeding there. I see a podiatrist every two months, who trims away calluses. When it bleeds, as it often does, I put bacitracin and a BandAid on it. It heals quickly.
But this time, for some reason, the whole end of the toe opened into deep wound, a bacterial infection, just overnight. It was good one day and, 24 hours later, the skin was peeling off and the bone was exposed.
The X-ray and a biopsy showed the bacterial infection had gotten into the bone. If it was just in the flesh, it would heal faster. In the bone, it’s a much more serious issue. The bone is exposed. The flesh wound is healing, slowly. But we cannot tell what is happening in the bone.
I have ten more days of antibiotics. I can’t stay on an antibiotic forever. It’s a very strong antibiotic, and that in itself is in very uncomfortable. I’m not permitted to walk any more than absolutely necessary. And when I walk, instead of putting my foot down normally, I have to walk on my left heel only, no pressure on the toe. This is hard on my back and shoulders, since I’m putting so much weight on them.
I’m not permitted to get it wet. I finally have gotten a waterproof shower boot that is tight around the top and keeps water from getting it. Before that, I was only able to shower once a week with a caregiver who knew how to wrap it really well with plastic and tape and so forth. So now, finally, I can shower sitting on a stool and foot hanging outside the tub.
I can’t swim until it’s completely closed. Many of you know that my favorite place in the world to be is out in the middle of the lake. I can’t swim; it’s not worth the risk because lake water can have a lot of bacteria. But there is still grasping on these beautiful days.
So, I’m pretty much grounded. I’m sitting here right now. I’ve got my left foot up on a footrest. As much as possible I’m to keep it elevated, which means lying down with it raised above my head. I have a chaise outside and several pillows. I lie there looking up at the trees and hold the book over my head, or just look at the trees. I’m grounded. No walks, no gardening… It’s probably very good for me to be grounded. I’m just having to be present and keep my heart open.
The scary thing right now is after they stop the antibiotic, in about 10 days. I asked the doctor, how do we know if it’s still in the bone? He said if the bone still has bacteria, the infection will show up again. If the infection doesn’t show up again, then the bone is healed and is not containing any bacteria.
I still have the hammertoe issue, so I am more likely to get a new wound. They can cut the tendon to allow the toe to lie flat, once we know the infection is healed.
He said within two to four weeks after I stop the antibiotic, if there is no infection, then probably all the bacteria is out of the bone. If there is a new infection, there’s bacteria in the bone.
Then there are two options apparently: to start a new round of antibiotics, this time of IV rather than oral antibiotics, or to amputate at least that last digit of the toe; more as necessary to be sure all bone is free of bacteria.
My focus right now, before I stop taking the antibiotic, is releasing all the infection from the bone. I ask you to envision a really healthy bone. Envision the toe happy, foot dancing. Right now, just a bacteria-free toe. Picture me swimming in the middle of the lake.
Yesterday I had a vision. I was lying in my chaise, looking up. The sun had gone behind the trees so I was looking up at the trees, looking at the blue sky, lying on a blue l cushion on my chaise, and realized, is this really any different than being in the middle of the lake? Middle of the lake is lying on my back looking up at the sky! Oh good. Thank you.
I couldn’t do this without my practice. I’m doing a lot of energy work, and also I asked to see any past lives that were relevant. Yesterday I saw a lifetime— this was over 2,000 years ago, before the lifetime with Yeshua. I don’t know how much before. I was a young woman with a baby, living with a tribe of people someplace on the shore of a big lake. There was a dock that went out into the lake.
I was doing something, probably washing clothes. My baby was not yet walking; in some sort of wrap. I looked up. I was maybe 20 yards from the lake. I looked up and saw a toddler walking out on the dock and fall into the water. I was barefoot. I knew that was not a safe place to walk beyond my little clear area barefoot because there were thorns and other things that could hurt my feet. But I ran. A big thorn pierced my left foot right in the ball, went very deep into the foot. And I just kept running into the water and grabbed the toddler.
They made an effort to pull out the thorn afterward, but some of it was still embedded in it. It was a poisonous thorn; the whole foot became infected. They didn’t have any real course of action except herbs. I was in terrible pain and then died.
I saw how much anger there was. I was saving a child; why did this happen to me? It’s not fair. All these stories .
So I spent a lot of time yesterday just meditating. Forgiving the thorn. Forgiving the child who fell off the dock. Forgiving myself. Just noting it’s all for the highest good and the work here is just to love and forgive. To hold my heart open and to ask this foot no longer to carry that old karma with fear and anger. So this is one of the ways of working with it too. That’s not the only lifetime that I’ve seen.
I’m looking very deeply at the whole experience of fear. Seeing that many things are scary. How I can open my heart and just be present with fear? For me, not just losing my toe, losing my foot, losing my leg, but fear of being helpless, of a downward spiral into not being able to move around well enough to take care of myself and Hal.
So, it’s not just about the toe. It’s about the results of losing power. And that whole movement closer to death that all of us find uncomfortable. Sickness, old age and death. How can we keep our hearts open?
So that’s what I’ve been doing. And it looks like I’m going to get at least another two more weeks of the antibiotic and then another month of post-antibiotic and watching that wound finally, hopefully, close over and disappear. In the grand scheme of things, one person’s toe is not a huge deal. There are so many people in the world who have had legs blown off in the past and today. Legs crushed in an earthquake or landslide, in a car accident. It’s not just about me; it’s about all of us.
I’ll share one more thing that some of you have heard me say before. I had cellulitis infection in this leg 25 years ago, was in the hospital for ten days. I was on IV antibiotics. They could not find anything to stop the infection, and the red line was moving from my foot up to my knee and then above my knee. I was very sick. High fever. I do have a tendency for cellulitis in this leg, where the soft tissue was crushed in a horseback riding accident, so I have poor circulation there.
So there I was in the hospital, sitting and meditating in the middle of the night. The doctors had said if the infection has continued to move up my thigh, they felt they would have to amputate the leg to prevent the infection from moving into my body and my organs. I was presented with that potential reality.
So I was meditating and yes, I was scared. The image that came to me was this one leg to heal for us all. Thinking of all the people in the world who had deep injuries to legs that day, the potential of losing their legs, losing their life. I spent maybe an hour meditating with all of these people.
I was a double room with an empty bed next to me. They wheeled a woman in. The curtain was pushed aside enough so I could see. She clearly had had just had one leg amputated and the other leg I could see had previously been amputated. The stub was healed over. They probably were just bringing her in from the recovery room.
One leg to heal for us all. I can’t separate this leg, this healing. No self or other; it’s for all beings everywhere. It was very powerful.
In the morning, the infection started going down. This newest antibiotic was working. It was another three or four days until I was released from hospital. It took weeks to heal, but it did heal. So, this one leg to heal for us all.
So, I appreciate your loving energy and attention and also to keep in mind we consecrate this work toward the healing of all beings everywhere.
That’s all from me. Thank you.
We meditate 15 minutes
Thank you so much. I really felt that energy. I found myself with a circle of loving beings all around me and so much energy coming through.
Briefly, Yeshua was there. I said, “Pease heal my toe.” He replied very clearly, “I do not heal anyone. I hold forth the ever-healed so that you can choose to open and to receive if that is your choice.” Just a good reminder
Thank you all so much. I appreciate your presence and your love. May all beings everywhere receive the gift of this coming together.
Thank you for those who created this gathering.