February 26, 1997 Wednesday Evening with Aaron, Excerpt
Awakened Heart Interlude 1
This is not a new part of the teaching, but is more of a “how-to,” offering a real life situation and how these teachings may apply. This interlude is drawn from two transcripts, two sequential weeks of talks, continuing with March 5, 1997.
Barbara: We have a question that came in by e-mail which Aaron said he wanted to speak to. Aaron says you don’t have to be steamrolled by people, that from a very clear and loving place you learn to say no. What if you say no and they still keep steamrollering over you? That was the basic question.
Q: You can talk openly about the situation that I e-mailed you about, a situation that I have out that cottage with a neighbor who has put his dock and boat equipment in front of my cottage. It violates the boundary that is there. And he’s also a provocateur, so he does these low-level provocative kinds of things and I hook every single time. So I’ve been really caught in this loop of getting really pissed off at this guy. I haven’t done anything about it. He provokes and I get mad. It’s just this little thing. I see it so clearly, what I’m doing, and I’m having a lot of problems keeping space around it and not opening into the provocation. Accepting this equipment being there and feeling ripped off because of it. That’s the gist of it.
Q: Usually with those kinds of people, they just ignore you until they do the next thing. Talking to them does not help,
Q: That’s right. Talking does not help, I’ve tried talking to them.
Q: What happens if you put your dock in right on the boundary line?
Q: That’s what I tried to do last year. He came out before I finished putting in my dock and put his equipment in my path. I thought of drilling holes in the ice.
Other suggestions are offered/ legal, mediation … .
Barbara: We did talk via e-mail about the question.
Q: It’s going to take some work!
Barbara: What I said in my e-mail to Q was that it’s a wonderful, and hard, learning opportunity and there are three parts to it. What makes you so uncomfortable about the situation? Clearly he is invading your space. But what is that about? I talked about that phrase, “Is it coming in to bother you or are you going out to bother it?” There’s this dock. It’s across your property line, but it clearly looks bigger than it really is. So there’s this for you to learn, what’s really creating your suffering on this personal level. But it’s not just about this situation but an opportunity to investigate the root of all suffering. It’s not to “fix; ” where does suffering dissolve without the situation changing in its outer forms? This is the second area. Third is the exploration of how to say “no” without anger. That ability grows from the investigation of the first two areas.
My suggestion to Q was to shift his tactics completely and say to the man, “I still disagree with the placement of the dock but I’m aware this has become a mountain between us. After all, it’s just a dock. I wish it weren’t there. I think you’re trespassing. But I really want to just put this aside. We’re neighbors. I want us to have a congenial relationship. I was in town and I bought this plant for you. I thought you’d enjoy it.” And bring him bagels and coffee cake when you’re in town. Get to know his children. Do it mindfully and watch what arises or shifts within.
Q: One of his kids does like me.
Barbara: This is really bringing love to fear.
Q: That’s tough, that’s really tough! Did Q come to Aaron’s Halloween story?
Q: No.
Q: Aaron’s Halloween story is briefly told, about how, in a past life, he was trapped by a man who wanted to kill him. He told about how he escaped and then realized that this man would just do the same to someone else, hurting himself and his victim. So even though he was afraid, Aaron felt he had to go back and find a way to help this man see the divinity in himself. He was able to do so. He points out that even if he had not succeeded, it was something he had to do for himself, to resolve any sense of duality of good/ evil. He needed to be able to see that this would-be murderer was also an expression of the divine.
Q: So it may be an opportunity.
(group comments omitted)
Barbara: It’s basically what Aaron did in the story and I’m glad Q brought that up because it was perfect. Just bringing in love. Not to fix or transform or trick your neighbor, but to know yourself. What happens when we give to others in a difficult situation, using generosity as a tool.
Q: Just to be clear, that is asking more than most of us have been asked before. It’s a big choice. It’s a very possible choice but so is …
Q: … ignoring him and doing nothing.
Q: It becomes a, I don’t know, I just honor you for even considering it.
Q: It offers a tremendous opportunity to break through many barriers.
Q: The fact is, I don’t believe it should be undertaken to change the neighbor, but only to heal your own rage. And if it does change the neighbor, that’s a wonderful and very possible outcome. But nothing guarantees that.
Barbara: Precisely. If there’s any part of the intention that maybe this will work and the neighbor will move the dock, then grasping and self arise. You’ve just got to be clear, at least for now, “for this summer the dock is just going to be wherever it’s going to be, and I’m just going to watch my response to it and I’m going to be, each time that any anger arises in me I’m going to let that anger be transformed into lovingkindness.” Aaron wants to talk about this directly. This is the basis of satyagraha or “soul force” as used by Gandhi, to feel so clear in your own truth that you must offer that truth, regardless of the response it may provoke.
Aaron: I am Aaron. Each of you at some level has a fear that your needs will not be met, that you’ll be hurt. It touches you in different ways. Some of you can be so generous about so many things and yet in one small area of your life there is contraction. For example, I would highly conjecture, L, that if this man did not have trees between your properties, and if this man’s children played football or catch, and their game ran over onto your yard on occasion, it would not trouble you at all. You would simply see the children playing. I think that there’s such contraction about the dock because it displays a premeditated selfishness and fear.
We have talked about the ways that we recoil most against those patterns in others that we are most sensitive to what we think of as possible of in ourselves. This doesn’t mean that you are greedy, it means that you are afraid of your own greed and grasping. They are discomforting to you. You condemn them.
By way of example, if you know that you are very patient, you may find another person’s impatience unpleasant, but it’s just impatience. You look at what is beautiful about that person and you notice their impatience with tolerance. If their impatience comes too frequently and forcefully, you may decide not to be with them very much. But still it doesn’t arouse deep aversion in you.
But when they mirror a quality that you are afraid of in yourself, the situation is different. Let us pretend hypothetically that impatient thoughts often come up in you. You never act them out, you are the model of patience, but part of the reason that you are the model of patience is because you keep these negative impatient thoughts under such strict control. Somebody else’s impatience then is very threatening to you.
What I would ask you to do then is to begin to look deeply at that in yourself which really understands this thing, that in yourself which, if you did not stay very conscious and aware but lapsed into the unconsciousness in which he dwells, really could act in similar grasping, greedy ways that are harmful to others. Look deeply at how repugnant that possibility is to you. In forgiving him, you forgive yourself. And in forgiving yourself, you forgive him. You no longer need to act out those feelings. He still does. Can you forgive him for that also?
This, then, is the major part of it, the possibility for healing this in yourself. My conjecture is that by the time it really is healed, where seeing his dock there is simply a reminder for compassion for you both, and it no longer arouses strong feelings of any sort, at that point he will probably move away or move his dock. But it won’t matter much to you at that point.
We come to another side of this question which this instrument raised. I have said repeatedly that from this place of deep compassion and clarity, you still must say no, because to let another being walk over you, use you as a doormat, is harmful to both you and to them. I stand by that statement. But before you can say no in that way, there must be the space of clarity from which the no comes. If you say no from a place of fear and anger, you’re simply participating in the whole situation of fear and anger.
Certainly it depends on the kind of situation. If you are in a relationship with someone who is very verbally or physically abusive, and if you are deeply afraid, discomforted, saddened, by their actions, before you have clarity you still may need to say no, simply to remove yourself from the situation because so much harm is being done. If you felt that to be your situation here, yes, you could elect to move away. So you need to look at each situation independently and assess it.
Here is a situation that allows for patience, allows you to just be there and learn. I would liken this much more to living with somebody who is self-indulgent, selfish and thoughtless, than living with somebody who is violent and constantly abuses you. In this situation you can take the time to find that clarity in yourself.
However, you also are saying no in a different way. You must be very clear when you bring him a first gift: you are not apologizing. You are not saying I’m sorry I blocked the way, of course you can put the dock in anywhere. You are making it clear, “I do still disagree with where you put your dock, but we are neighbors. This is really a trivial matter. I want us not to wage a war out here in this place, where we both come to be at peace and enjoy ourselves. We don’t have to be close friends but I want us to feel a general liking rather than antipathy toward one another. I don’t want to be angry when I see you and I don’t want you to be angry when you see me. It doesn’t make our life enjoyable. So let us end this conflict between us.”
This is a different way of saying no. You’re choosing your fight. You’re not saying no to the dock, You’re saying no to the ongoing hostility. The matter of ongoing hostility is more important at this time than the dock. You are refusing to participate any further in that ongoing hostility. He has pulled you into it. The dock is just a symptom. If it wasn’t the dock it would be something else. You’re making the decision, “I’m not going to be pulled into this hostility any more.” Then, you look for the antidote.
Last month I suggested an antidote for anger is in giving to the person at whom you are angry. We were talking about it in terms of the overbearing boss, what one might do for that being. In what ways can you be of service to that being, to really be kind and be helpful? It might not change them but it will change you. So here’s a perfect example of a situation where that would work.
If you decide to do this, Q, I would suggest that you do a good deal of metta (lovingkindness) meditation first. I gather you have at least several weeks before the time when you begin to see this neighbor in a regular way. Simply sit with his energy with a formal lovingkindness meditation. Begin with a loved person, looking deeply into that person, seeing the ways they’ve suffered and wishing them well. Then do the same thing for yourself. And then bring up the difficult person, this neighbor. Contemplate, reflect on, the kinds of fears and pains he may have suffered which have made him so frightened and greedy, so unable to hear another. Reflect on the way he must suffer because of the way he cuts himself off from others, that through his greed he cannot give and connect in ways that are deeply meaningful and joyful. You’re not reflecting here that you’re better than he is, you allow to arise in you a real sense of sorrow for this being, and a heartfelt wish, “May you be free of suffering. May you learn what it means to give and receive. May your heart open and flower. May you abide in well-being. May you love and be loved. May you be happy.”
I would work with that practice in depth for several weeks. See what blocks in your heart, what blocks the offering of such wishes. You must also work with yourself as I said, start with a loved person, then yourself and then your neighbor. You wish yourself the same things: may I be happy, may I love and be loved, may I live in connection with my neighbor.
There is also the third area mentioned by this instrument. When there is less turmoil, you may reflect back upon the nature of suffering itself, its causes, its arising and cessation. I will not talk in depth about this now. I pause.
Q: In doing that metta, at first it may most probably not be a heartfelt loving wish. The wishes are very formal, even if you don’t feel loving or even kindly at first, it’s okay. It’s okay just to wish those wishes. And if it’s too hard to wish them to the neighbor himself at first, pick the child who likes you and work with that child, and then with another one of his children, or someone in the family who is easier. Work your way into the process. It’s a long process. It doesn’t have to be long but it will take however long it takes. It pays to work gently into it. Before you take any gift to the neighbor, you need to see clearly the truth of it. That does have to come from a very true place in yourself.
Barbara: Thank you, Q. It’s important not to demand of yourself that your heart be opened, but Aaron is saying at the same time, you do ask of yourself just to look deeply into him. You find the place where the heart IS open to him. It doesn’t mean the anger is gone, but you find the place where there really is compassion.
Q: I see so clearly how he represents a part of myself.
Barbara: Aaron says, he is “yeast for the bread.” Aaron says there will come a point where you can bring him cinnamon buns or a rosebush with a real sense of gratitude that he’s living there for all he’s teaching you!
Aaron says that’s why he’s suggesting that you work with lovingkindness first. Take it to a point where you’re ready to bring this gift. He says, remember the gift is not a statement that the dock is okay but a statement “our enmity to one another is not acceptable and I want to take whatever steps are necessary to end that enmity.” He says, this statement is a truth that you do feel.
Q: I’m feeling really humbled by all your responses. Thank you.
Barbara: You’re welcome.